


When it comes to an end (I will want you to plea)

by Blink_Blue



Series: Crashing Down [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Casual Sex, Choking, Depression, Dissociation, Drug Use, Friends With Benefits, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Hypersexuality, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Eddie Diaz, Rough Sex, Sex Addiction, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Worried Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:21:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23505289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blink_Blue/pseuds/Blink_Blue
Summary: After the lawsuit, Buck and Eddie are casually sleeping together. Eddie tells himself it doesn't mean anything more than that. An unexpected incident at work brings up something Buck thought he'd long buried behind him and makes Eddie re-evaluate his feelings for his best friend.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Original Character(s), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Crashing Down [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757365
Comments: 146
Kudos: 1239





	1. Chapter 1

Eddie likes being rough with Buck in bed.

At first, it’s because it’s his first time sleeping with a man. First time doing _anything_ with a man. And Buck is all hard muscles and firm, lean torso. The way he moves his body, there’s this strength and _power_ that Eddie is familiar with from their line of work. But he’d never thought he’d be falling into bed with it.

Never thought he’d like it so much. 

Of course, and most importantly, Buck doesn’t mind when he’s rough.

They fuck at Eddie’s house when Christopher is out with Carla or over at Abuela’s. But more often they prefer Buck’s apartment because there’s less chance of them being interrupted. In his bed, on the couch, one time Eddie bent the other man over his kitchen island and gave it to him hard enough that he _almost_ felt bad for Buck’s neighbors. Almost. 

A mutual moment of weakness after a long shift led to them giving each other quickies in the shower at the station. Afterward, they laughed it off and swore they would never do that again. The sheer mortification of being caught by their friends and colleagues was enough for them to realize what a stupid thing they had done. 

Orgasms be damned, Eddie would never be able to live it down.

So that was really the one rule they agreed on. No telling another soul. This was just their thing. And if Eddie finds himself more and more often kept up at night all alone in his big empty bed, thinking about Buck swallowing his cock and the muscles of his throat closing around him, or the feeling of sinking deep into the younger man’s body after an exhausting shift, well… it’s not a big deal. 

This is his little secret about their little secret. 

Eddie tells himself they’re just blowing off steam together. He hadn’t been with anyone since Shannon. He’s also a full-time dad and firefighter, he doesn’t exactly have the time or effort to take a woman out and show her a good time. It’s easier this way. No strings attached. 

He’s not sure why Buck is doing it. And maybe he doesn't really want to know. 

It’s always the day after that Eddie sees the marks. He walks in on Buck changing into this uniform, the evidence of their activities painted across his body like a violent but beautiful work of art—it never fails to leave him slack-jawed and grinning like an idiot. 

Purple bruises litter his hips, the older ones are faded greenish and yellow. Eddie eyes the angry welt on Buck’s rib cage that he knows perfectly fits his thumbprint. Red scrapes from his blunt fingernails trail along the otherwise unblemished skin of his back.

Buck bruises so easily when he’s on the blood thinners. 

Just as he’s fighting the urge to jump the other man, he’s saved from himself when Chimney walks in behind him and gives a slow whistle. 

“Damn, Buck. Whoever you’re seeing, they must be a real pistol.”

Buck throws his head back with a laugh. “Sure are.” He gives Eddie a wink when Chim isn’t looking and Eddie can’t help but turn his head away. A faint blush warms his cheeks. 

“Careful it doesn’t get out of hand, Buck,” Chimney warns.

“When have you ever known me to let things get out of hand?”

“Um, _always._ ”

Maybe they should have heeded Chimney’s warning. 

But it’s not Eddie’s fault that Buck never says no to anything.

Buck is cocky and reckless and so fucking _hot_ when he’s beneath him, moaning like a whore as Eddie relentlessly drives his cock into his body. 

And for real, Buck never says no. He never says that it’s too much, even afterward, when he’s rubbing his bad leg—healed, but will probably give him trouble for the rest of his life. There’s a grimace on his face and at Eddie’s questioning look, he says softly, “Just a cramp, being in the same position too long, you know?” 

Eddie nods and looks away. His ears flush when he thinks of Buck riding him for what seemed like hours and the look on his face when he finally came. He also kind of feels like an asshole.

Even more so when he realizes that he _likes_ leaving marks on Buck. He likes seeing the evidence of his touch, a reminder that Buck _lets_ him do whatever he wants, and maybe, just maybe… it’s some fucked up way of him marking his territory. 

He’s not really sure when he started to think of Buck as his. 

His to fuck, his to mark, his to do whatever he pleases. 

At the moment, he’s pulling Buck into his bedroom and closing the door shut behind them. They’re kissing hard, Eddie’s teeth tug not so gently at Buck’s bottom lip and the other man makes a sound that is _insanely_ hot. 

Blood is already pooling in his groin. He’s half-hard and their clothes aren’t even off yet. 

He starts lifting Buck’s shirt, eager to change that. 

“Eddie, wait, wait—” Buck pushes at Eddie’s hands and he pauses and stares because this is the first time and the closest Buck has come to resisting.

“What about Chris?” Buck whispers, nodding his head towards the door. They had just tucked him into bed. And though Christopher’s bedroom isn’t exactly next to them, it’s a small house and the walls are thin. 

“We’ll be quiet.”

Buck raises an eyebrow. “You know we won’t.”

Eddie feels himself getting heated in the pit of his stomach and he smirks. “Try your best.”

And that’s all it takes before their clothes are laid on Eddie’s floor, and Eddie has the other man on his elbows and knees. He’s buried deep inside and they're both biting their lips to keep quiet. 

Buck feels amazingly tight around him. Eddie’s hand grips the meaty part where Buck’s neck meets his shoulder. He presses him down roughly, pressing him into the mattress, and he enjoys the quiet little moan that escapes from Buck’s lips as he gets fucked. 

And Eddie fucks him. He fucks him slow, so slow that Buck smacks his thigh painfully and whines for him to go faster. But Eddie keeps his pace until Buck is shuddering around his cock, gasping pathetically as Eddie brushes against his prostate. 

He feels a rush of euphoria every time they do this, an adrenaline rush that tingles all of his senses.

It’s probably got something to do with Buck giving him control, something that was desperately lacking in his life of late. 

Looking back, he should have realized that he was (subconsciously) trying to work out his issues while fucking his best friend into oblivion. 

Without warning, he snaps his hips roughly. 

Buck’s sounds are thankfully muffled by the pillow he’s currently got his face buried in. His back arches beautifully as he tries to adjust the angle, tries to get Eddie to fuck that spot just right— 

Eddie changes his rhythm, his moves becoming more brutal and quick as he fucks the other man into the mattress. Buck never fights, he just begs him for more. Eddie is half-convinced that he likes it when it hurts, just a little bit. And he can take anything and everything Eddie gives him. 

It makes Eddie a little curious about what his limits are. If he even has them. 

He thinks about what fresh bruises he might find on Buck’s body the next day. Maybe an angry red mark on the back of his neck, the freshly broken blood vessels blossoming on his fair skin. 

He growls as his thoughts turn to the health condition that results in Buck bruising like a peach under his touch. He thinks about how his best friend almost died because he doesn’t know what too much too fast means. He keeps fucking him hard, as he thinks about how Buck almost left him… just like Shannon did. 

He feels like such a goddamn idiot sometimes. This shit was supposed to be in the past. But every time he thinks he’s over it, thoughts of Shannon and the lawsuit and how fucking stupid he had been thinking that street fighting was a good outlet for his issues—it all comes flooding back. 

This is a much better outlet. 

A part of him is still pissed at Buck. He’s pissed that he wasn’t there, he’s pissed that Christopher asked for him every night during the time they weren’t speaking, and he’s pissed that he lost—thought he lost—yet another person who is so important in the life he's building with his son. 

_Forgive and forget._

Easier said than done. 

Buck is hot and soft and unbearably tight around him. The way his body stiffens and trembles, it pulls Eddie back into the present. Just in time to brace himself as the other man clenches around him when he comes. 

Eddie shudders and his fingers on Buck’s hips grasp tighter, pulls him even closer to him—just _closer_. 

Buck came without either of them touching his cock, and for some reason, Eddie finds that incredibly hot. He keeps fucking him hard, his pace steady and fast, high off the weak whines and broken whimpers that spill from Buck’s throat, something about being over-stimulated and hyper-sensitive… 

That’s really hot too. 

He lasts for as long as he can before he gasps like he’s been gut-punched and spills all that he’s got deep inside his friend’s body. “Buck—” he chokes before managing to catch himself. 

His orgasm leaves his head spinning like a disc and his body weight is fully resting on Buck’s back. Another thing he couldn’t do with Shannon. 

A moment passes as they both catch their breaths, trying to be quiet in the otherwise silent house. 

Just before the ‘amount of acceptable time to lie on top of your best friend after fucking him’ runs out, Eddie pushes himself up with his arms and rolls over, falling onto his back. He stares quietly at the ceiling and blinks slow. 

As his pulse returns back to resting, he tries not to think about the man lying next to him, so close that their fingertips might be touching.

Buck speaks first, “Hey, you mind if I spend the night?”

“Not at all,” Eddie breathes. “You know the couch is always yours.”

The silence after his words is somehow awkward and he gets a strange feeling that it’s not exactly what Buck had wanted to hear.

“Thanks,” Buck finally says. “I’ll be out first thing in the morning.”

Eddie watches the other man gather his clothes from the floor. Neither of them speak as Buck silently cleans himself off and pulls his clothes on. And when Buck leaves his room with a slight nod of his head—not meeting his eyes—Eddie tries not to think about what that means. Or why his bed suddenly feels so empty without him. 


	2. Chapter 2

Buck was eleven years old when Maddie went to college.

He and his sister were always close, despite their difference in age. And though she tried to hide it from him, Buck could always tell she was desperately eager to leave home. 

It’s not like they had a shitty childhood. Quite the opposite. They had two healthy parents, who were financially well-off; and though they were often too busy to really pay attention to them, whatever affection they didn’t receive from their workaholic parents, they got from each other. 

Maddie practically raised her little brother. Their parents were Type A's with hectic schedules and complicated lives. They prioritized work over family, and never had a moment of free time between them, not even for their children. Who needs to hire a nanny when there’s an older daughter in the house to raise the kid?

Maddie and Buck took care of each other. And they were happy.

Which is probably why Buck took it so hard when Maddie moved out of the house to go to school. She promised that they would speak every day. She would call, every night, she told him. 

For a while, she did. 

And then one Friday call came and Buck could hear loud, rambunctious laughter in the background, a half dozen happy voices he didn’t recognize. Maddie’s voice had a slight slur and she pulled the phone away from her ear to shout at someone, _“Shut up, I’m talking to my brother!”_

_“Hang up, we’re about to go out!”_

“I am so sorry, Evan!” There was laughter in his sister’s voice and Buck felt his heart sink. “I have to go, but I promise I’ll call you tomorrow and we can catch up, okay?”

“Okay, Mad—” 

The line was dead before he could finish. 

Except Maddie didn’t call the next night. The night after that, she apologized. Said college life just got the better of her and it slipped her mind. Buck told her it was alright. He told her that he understood. 

The truth was, that he hated feeling like an inconvenience. He got enough of that from his parents. 

So they spoke less after that. The nightly calls became weekly calls, and eventually monthly. Soon, he didn’t hear from his sister at all, except for when she came home to visit. That first Christmas home, Maddie wondered why it felt like a wall had been built up between them. 

Buck was a difficult teenager. Most are, but Buck always prided himself in taking everything he does to the next level. 

His parents’ liquor cabinet was quite popular amongst his friends. His parents never cared, they just restocked the damn thing. They ignored the drinking and the bad grades and the smell of weed that permeated from his side of the house. They hired a tutor instead to pull his grades up.

It worked, for a while. Until one day they came home and found their son in bed with the guy. 

They stopped ignoring Buck after that. 

He was sixteen years old when Maddie first introduced him to her live-in boyfriend, Doug.

Buck thought he was pretty good at reading people and right off the bat, he did not like the guy with his sister. Something about the way Doug grinned at him and how his smile didn’t match the leer in his eyes set off every alarm in his head. 

Maddie changed too. Every time he saw her, she became less like the big sister who raised him and more like _something_ else he didn’t recognize.

The first time he saw the bruises, it made the blood run cold in his veins. 

A year later, he pleaded with her, “Don’t marry him.”

She did. 

Both their lives kind of went off the rails after that. 

Looking back, Buck likes to blame his absent parents for why he and his sister wouldn’t know a healthy relationship if it bit them in the ass. 

He’s spent more than a few agonizing nights wondering if this _fuck buddies_ thing he’s got going with Eddie is just another one of his unhealthy, dangerous behaviors rearing its ugly head… or if it’s just a casual thing that works.

Casual could be good for him. Better than fucking around with strangers. 

He can’t go back to one-night stands and meaningless sex with nameless faces. And before Abby came along, _wonderful,_ beautiful Abby… he genuinely thought he might have been too fucked up to handle a real relationship. 

But now, as hard as it is to admit, he wants that with Eddie. He wants _more,_ he wants a life together. He wants to dote on Christopher as if he were his own child and give the kid everything he never had growing up. 

The scariest part though, about offering up all these little pieces of himself, is thinking, what if… Eddie doesn’t want them?

He always describes Buck 1.0 as the guy who slept with girls and never called them again. The playboy, the horndog, the flirt extraordinaire… He doesn’t think about the guy he was before that. 

He calls it _one-_ point-oh, so that no one else would ever think there might be another version of himself before that. 

* * *

When Buck was training to be a Navy SEAL, he was told that he lacked discipline. Physical prowess doesn’t make up for an inability to obey commands. And what they wanted were machines. Buck didn’t quite fit the bill. No one wants a weapon that won’t shoot when told to. It wasn’t the first time he’d gotten the criticism that he thinks too much with his heart and not his head. 

As a firefighter though, his instincts and ability to read the people that need his help, are an asset. And they haven’t let him down yet. 

There’s a first time for everything. 

Their second call of the day is a house fire. Given the size of the flames, the cause was likely a gas leak.

A woman stumbles out the front door just in time to greet them. Her face is gray and her voice is hoarse from smoke. “My husband and daughter are still in there!” She falls to her knees, sobbing, arms out, _begging_. Hen drops to her side to check her for injuries, but the woman pushes her away. “No, please help them! Please!”

Bobby gives the orders. 

The fire is worst in the back of the house, probably the kitchen. Smoke billows out of the front windows and those of the second floor look gray—signs that the fire is spreading quickly and they have to move fast. 

“We’re looking for a little girl, nine years old, and her father,” Bobby says. “Eddie and Buck, I want you in and out fast, got it?”

They nod in unison and ready their gear, preparing to go in. Behind them, other members of the 118 prep the hose to extinguish the flames. 

“Is the gas off?” Buck asks, right before he slips his mask over his head. 

Bobby pauses and looks him in the eyes. “We’re working on it,” he says. 

Buck turns to Eddie. They lock eyes for a split second and at the same time, their arms meet at wrist for a quick bump and then they’re off, running into a house that is going up in smoke and flames. It’s their little ritual each time before they go running into danger, a quick way of reminding each other… 

_Everyone who goes into the house is going to make it out._

Eddie takes the stairs running while Buck searches the first floor. The smoke gets thicker as he walks through the house. The flames have reached the ceiling, they’re nearly wall to wall. He knows they don’t have much time. 

“Is anyone in here?” Buck yells as his eyes search the ground. 

Past the living room and into the dining area, he finds the husband lying on the floor, collapsed next to the dining table. He’s awake and moving, coughing hard, and holding a wet rag to his face to block the heavy smoke. 

Buck is next to him in an instant. “Sir, I got to you out of here!” He looks around them to check the danger they’re in. They’re close to the kitchen, too close, where the flames are the worst. On the ground next to them is a fire extinguisher. 

He was trying to put out the flames. Too late for that. 

Eddie’s voice comes over the radio. _“I got the daughter, Cap. Heading out now!”_

Buck feels a quick moment of relief hearing the other man’s voice. He presses the button on his radio. “I found the dad. I’ll be right behind you, Eddie!”

“Sir, we need to get out of here right now!” He has to shout for the guy to hear him through his face mask and over the roar of the fire. He grips him under the arms and pulls him to his feet.

“No!” The man shouts, shaking his head. His eyes look wild and confused, like he’s looking around his burning house, but not really seeing it. “My—my family, they’re still in here…” He pleads.

“They’re not, we got them out!” Buck gives him a hard push with his hands, and then another. They stumble a few steps before the man stops them. “Your family is safe, I promise, they’re already outside!”

“No!” There’s desperation now when he turns to Buck. He grips him tight around the arms and shakes him, insisting, “My daughter is still here, I need to find her!” He doubles over coughing from the smoke and Buck steadies him before he falls. 

“We already got her out, and now we need to get you out too!”

He pushes away Buck’s arms, turns and nearly stumbles into a wall before Buck catches him. But he doesn’t stop searching. “She’s still in here, I need to get her!”

“This whole house is about to go down!” Buck screams. In hindsight, he shouldn’t have underestimated what a man might do when his family is in danger. The brutal, animalistic rage that finds its way out, even when they might be dying. That was his first mistake. Buck’s pulling them both towards the front door, using his strength and ignoring the protest. By now, the smoke is so thick around them, he can hardly see. 

The fire rages around them as the man screams, “I’M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT THEM!”

The man forces his arm out of Buck’s grip with a burst of strength. Buck spins around and catches him on the shoulder before he can run back through the house. The guy is strong, but Buck is stronger. “Listen to me, your family is not inside the house! They are not here! Now we gotta go!” He grabs him again and is about to use excessive force when he feels arms tackling him around the midsection. 

Buck lands awkwardly and with a painful grunt, the wind knocked out of him. The tank that’s strapped to his back digs painfully into his shoulder blade. But that’s not the worst of it. He can barely move with seventy pounds of gear plus the weight of a grown man holding him down. 

The heat around them grows stronger. He can feel it even through his protective turnout gear. 

“Get off of me!” The smoke clouds his vision through the mask as he struggles under the weight of the heavier man.

Buck is well aware that life-or-death situations and the associated stress can cause behavior that is unexpected, bordering on insane. But he’s never been attacked by someone he was trying to help before. Not like this. 

He can’t even see the man’s face anymore. But he feels hands—warm, rough hands—wrapping around his neck, right above the flap that’s supposed to protect it. They close _sickeningly_ tight around his throat and his heart skyrockets. 

“Let go!” He gasps, but it’s not loud enough to reach any ears but his own.

Buck can’t move. He’s pinned and he can’t breathe anymore. He’s panicking, fingers trying to grip the hands around his neck. But his grasp is clumsy from his gloves. He tries to pry the fingers away from his throat, but he can’t. His vision is swimming with dots and a part of him wonders how the other man is even breathing with the smoke when he can’t—and he’s got the oxygen tank. 

Faintly, he hears Bobby’s voice over his radio. _“Firefighter Buckley, what is your status? Firefighter Buckley, report now!”_

He hasn’t felt fear like this in a long time. 

He can’t get air into his lungs. He’s head is dizzy with panic and he can’t get away. He’s going to die here. He can’t breathe— 

Strong arms suddenly pull the man away. The weight is lifted off but Buck can’t seem to move, as if the pressure were still there, weighing heavily on his chest. Phantom hands grip tight around his neck. 

His vision blurs, and then he sees Thompson and Gardner carrying the guy out. 

There are hands on him, too many hands. On his chest, under his arms, feeling him for injuries and then dragging him up to his feet. That’s when he sees Eddie. 

Diaz and Wilson are the ones who drag him out of the burning house. 

Someone is yelling. Loudly. After a while, Buck registers that it’s _Eddie’s voice._ A lot of people are talking around him. He doesn’t really hear them, but they sound worried, and pissed. 

_“Buck’s hurt!”_

_“We should be pressing fucking charges—”_

_“Check him for burns!”_

His mask lies abandoned on the ground. Chimney’s pulling off his gear, looking him over for injuries. Buck really wishes he wouldn’t touch him right now. 

Eddie is yelling that some _asshole_ attacked him while Hen tries to explain to Bobby what happened. _“It—it looked like he was choking him, Cap—”_

“Stop,” Bobby orders to Chim. “Stop touching him.”

Buck could cry, he feels so relieved when Chim pulls his hands away and falls back. His head drops and his adrenaline crashes hard. He's disconnected from everything around him and it's like he’s no longer _in_ his body. He closes his eyes, trying to block out all the noise until he’s back in himself. 

_“We should be checking him for injuries.”_

_“Should we take him to a hospital?”_

“Buck, are you with us?” Chim asks. _“Buck?”_

It takes a while for him to realize he’s speaking. _“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”_ Buck repeats it over and over, his voice is barely a hoarse whisper. Until he realizes Eddie is kneeling in front of him where he sits on the ground, back pressed against their firetruck. _“I’m sorry…”_

Eddie reaches out his a hand, his fingertips barely graze his face before Buck flinches away. 

Eddie snatches his hand back like he’d been burned. Seeing that brings him back into himself a little bit. 

Buck blinks and realizes there are tears clinging to his lashes, and fresh tracks trailing down on his cheeks. He suddenly feels embarrassed. Awkward and stifled. He blinks at his surroundings. 

Eddie’s face, clouded with worry is the first thing he really sees. “Hey. Hey, Buck, you back with us?” His hands hover, like he wants to touch, but he doesn’t.

Slowly, Buck nods. “Yeah.” His voice sounds awful—weak and scratchy. It hurts to speak. 

There are multiple police officers standing nearby, Athena among them, watching, accessing. Further away, by the ambulance, he sees the father, huddled with his family and surrounded by paramedics and cops. He looks as shocked as he does, probably. 

“No charges,” Buck whispers. "I don't want any charges."

“Buck—” Eddie starts, his voice hard. 

“I just want to go home,” Buck says softly. “Please. Please, just take me home.”

“We should take him to a hospital, Cap.” Hen says carefully. “He’s not acting like himself.”

“You know I hate hospitals, Bobby. I’m fine, I swear—” His voice croaks and gives out then, and Eddie shushes him to stop trying to talk. 

“Buck, how do you feel?” Bobby finally asks.

“Numb,” he answers honestly. 

“Your neck?”

“Hurts.”

He knows Bobby is weighing the options. There could be tissue damage, nerve damage. He should probably get checked out by a doctor. But right now, he wants nothing more than to get away from all the prying eyes and concerned stares. He just wants to nurse his trauma alone.

“I’m taking him home,” Eddie announces. 

“You sure that’s a good idea?” Bobby asks.

“No, I’m not,” Eddie says as he stands. “But I know he doesn’t want to go to a hospital. So I’m going to get him the next best thing.”

Bobby nods, giving in. “Make sure he’s okay,” he says softly. 

“Believe me, Cap, I’m not leaving his side.”

That’s that, and Buck slowly climbs to his feet with assistance from Chim and Hen. “I’m good,” he says even as he wobbles on unsteady legs. 

“Maybe take a few days off, Buck.” Bobby offers. 

Buck nods, not really hearing him. They help him back to the truck and he closes his eyes once he’s seated. It takes a while for the crew to finish up the call. Someone wraps a shock blanket around him. He just wants to go home.

He knows everyone is watching him, and he can feel Eddie hovering. 

“I’m fine, stop looking at me,” he whispers. 

He’s not sure if it’s a comfort or not. But Eddie’s eyes don’t leave him once the whole ride back to the firehouse. 


	3. Chapter 3

How it starts is like this. A few too many beers, Buck's shortcomings when it comes to personal space on a couch made for three, and a joke that Eddie casually threw out there, without the slightest idea that the night would end in him falling into bed with Buck. 

Eddie gave Buck a non-subtle nod. “I didn’t realize you were into taking guys home with you.” He expected Buck to laugh, or choke on his beer, or look embarrassed at the idea that he had sex with Chim’s estranged half-brother. 

Instead, Buck grinned and gave him a fucking _wink._ “I take you home all the time, don’t I, babe?”

And well, Eddie hadn’t gotten laid in more than half a year, and Buck isn’t exactly hard on the eyes, so it just happened. And as it turned out, Eddie is _really_ into Buck’s ass. In the beginning, they went through a bulk pack of condoms from Costco in about three weeks before Buck finally insisted, if they’re both clean (and not sleeping with anyone else), why bother?

Eddie didn’t think it was possible, but their sex life just got _even better._

He never once considered that he might be in love with Buck.

Sure, he loves him. Buck is easy to love. Eddie loves him like the best friend he never had, loves him enough to trust his son with him, loves him in that he never ever wants anything bad to happen to him. 

But he’s not _in love_ with Buck. 

That would be silly.

* * *

The phone rings three times before Maddie picks up.

“Eddie?” Her voice sounds scared, because why else would her brother’s best friend be calling in the middle of their shift? “Eddie, what’s wrong?”

“Hey—hey, Maddie. Um, it’s Buck. Something happened today…”

“Oh god, what happened?” Her voice cracks and she’s ready to burst into tears. 

Eddie closes his eyes and mentally kicks himself. “No, he’s—he’s fine. I mean, he’s mostly fine.”

“The hell does that mean?”

“Look, something happened during a call today, and… it was pretty rough. It’s really hard to explain over the phone. Can you come over to Buck’s apartment?” 

“Yeah, of course,” Maddie says quickly. “I’ll be right over.”

Eddie sighs softly once they’ve hung up. Since Buck was adamant about avoiding the hospital, he feels better knowing that Maddie is a trained nurse who would let Eddie know if Buck is being a stubborn idiot and needs to get checked out. Though the obvious dissociation was far more concerning than any physical damage from the attack.

He managed to get them back to Buck’s apartment. He’s already asked Carla to take Christopher to Abuela’s for the night. He hates being away from his son, even for just a night, but right now the thought of not being with Buck, that makes him sick to his stomach. 

It was painfully intimate, getting the other man into bed. The worst part being that Buck still seemed mostly out of it when Eddie was getting him out of his uniform and into a t-shirt and sweats. He mumbled a hoarse _thank you_ while Eddie tucked the covers around him. When he closed his eyes, he looked so young, tired, and vulnerable.

Eddie stayed close, hovering, until his breathing evened out and he slept. 

Now, his eyes fall on the bruises already forming around Buck’s neck and he fights to swallow down his anger. They’re going to look awful by morning. For once, he hates seeing the blemishes on the other man’s skin—remnants of violence that he wishes he could erase. Bile threatens to spill into his throat. 

Buck’s slow, steady breathing is a comfort, though a small one, given the circumstances. 

He hears the sound of Buck’s apartment door opening as Maddie lets herself in. 

“Up here,” Eddie whispers over his shoulder. He can’t bear to pull his eyes away, even for a second. 

“What’s going on, you sounded so weird over the phone.” Maddie frowns as she climbs the steps into the loft. The worry is evident across her face. “Chimney texted me on my way over. What the hell happened?”

Eddie swallows the lump in his throat. “He took two oxy and it just… knocked him out.”

Maddie steps closer and gently sits on the bed at her brother’s side. She carefully runs her fingers over his hair. Buck hates pain meds. He barely took them when he had a crushed leg. Hearing this doesn’t ease her worry in the least. 

Buck’s eyelids flutter open under her touch. “Maddie?” His eyes are glassy and not all there. 

“Hi, Evan. I’m here.”

Buck’s arms immediately come up to clumsily wrap around his sister. “I’m here, I’m here,” she repeats softly as she holds him in her arms. It takes Eddie a moment to realize that the short whimpering sounds he hears is Buck _crying._

It awkwardly feels like he’s intruding on a private moment and Eddie looks away. Maybe he should step out and give them some privacy. 

Eventually, Buck’s breathing evens out again. Maddie’s arms are warm around him and he drifts off into a drug-induced slumber. 

“What am I looking at?” Maddie asks quietly. 

Eddie doesn’t need to turn his head to know she’s asking about the bruises around his neck. 

“What the hell is this?” She sounds as angry as she can while still keeping her voice at a low volume for her sleeping brother. 

“We… we were on a call,” Eddie says softly. “It was a house fire. It was a standard house fire, and then… this guy that we were helping, _saving,_ ” he corrects. “He just attacked him. I—I don’t know what would’ve happened if Hen and I hadn’t—” 

Maddie looks as helpless and bewildered as Eddie feels. He’s thankful Buck’s loft is dim and she probably can’t see the full extent of the damage around his neck. 

“Why… why would they—” Her voice breaks and she doesn’t finish. 

“They think it was some freak fight-or-flight response,” Eddie manages. “It’s bullshit. Buck didn’t want to press any charges.” His voice is harsh and he bites his tongue as it echoes through the apartment. He looks away. He’d rather look at _anything_ other than Buck’s bed. Too many memories of intimate moments, and combined with his hurt _whatever Buck is…_ he doesn’t know how to act right now. 

He’s breathing hard through his nose. His jaw clenches painfully. And Maddie must notice because after a while, she asks, “Are you okay?”

“Me? What—of course I’m okay.” He shakes his head and makes some feeble gesture with his hands. “I’m not the one who was… almost choked to death.” 

“He’s gonna bruise somethin’ awful tomorrow,” Maddie says sadly as she looks down at the blossoming red and purple marks.

“Fucking blood thinners,” Eddie mutters. He closes his eyes and chews roughly on his bottom lip, biting down his anger. “That fucking asshole, I want to kill him.”

Maddie ignores his anger and simply says, “I’m glad he has you.”

“Of course,” Eddie offers. “He’s Buck, I’d do anything for him.”

She gives him a strange look where he stands off to the side, and in her silence, he wonders if he said something wrong. He’s about to make some excuse to go to the kitchen, or the bathroom, or anywhere but the awkward loft when she says his name. _“Eddie.”_

And there’s something in the way that she says it that makes him pause. “Eddie, I know.”

 _She can’t._ “You know what?” He asks shakily, his brain stuttering.

“You and my brother? I know you’re more than just friends.”

His brain short circuits and he doesn’t know what to say. 

Thankfully, Maddie speaks first. “How long?” she asks.

“Did he tell you?”

“He didn’t have to.” She reaches out with a hand and gestures him closer. Slowly, Eddie slides into the empty space on his side of the bed. He keeps his movements slow and gentle, careful not to wake the man sleeping between them. 

It’s weird knowing that someone else knows about _them._ For so long, Eddie had thought of this thing as _their_ thing. Their special, private, intimate life that was safe and sound from prying eyes. And yeah, it was just sex. Amazing, mind-blowingly good (and sometimes rough) sex. But there was love there too. 

Buck and Maddie have their arms wrapped around each other. Eddie wants to move closer, but he doesn’t—there’s a good half a foot of space between his body and Buck’s. The thought of touching him… each time he thinks about it, the sight of Buck flinching away from him rushes back into his brain. Like it’s seared behind his eyelids and he sees it every time he closes his eyes. 

“You’re so good for him,” Maddie whispers. 

Eddie responds with a blank stare up at the ceiling. He hasn’t felt good for anybody in a long time. He wasn’t good enough to keep Shannon around, and he’s never been good enough for Chris. With Buck though… he never thought about it like that. Maybe that’s what made it so easy. 

“I’m happy for you guys,” Maddie continues softly. “But…” 

“But what?”

She gives him a small, lopsided smile. “Well, you must be doing something right, because my brother doesn’t date guys.”

Eddie chuckles softly and bows his head, hoping it hides his blush. “I’m sorry you haven’t gotten some big coming out moment from him, but whatever Buck hasn’t told you about himself—”

“No, you’re not understanding me,” Maddie says quietly. “I know he’s had… intimate relationships with guys in the past, but… my brother doesn’t _date_ guys.” 

Eddie blinks. 

Is he dating Buck? Another thing he never considered. Yeah, so they have dinner and movie nights on a regular basis with Chris. Buck practically lives at his house. They spend hours talking to each other, and they fuck every chance they get, which isn’t easy when there’s an eight-year-old in their lives.

And then Eddie realizes he thought of it as _their_ lives. 

Is he dating Buck? If he was… it was so easy, that Eddie never even realized they had crossed that particular line. It’s definitely not what he had with Shannon before. It's better in every way.

“Um,” Eddie clears his throat awkwardly. “Why not?”

Now it’s Maddie’s turn to look uncomfortable. “I don’t know everything,” she says softly. Her eyes drop to Buck’s sleeping face, to check to make sure he’s out. He hasn’t moved a muscle. “Evan and I weren’t that close at the time. I was with Doug and I had just gotten married. And Evan was away at school.” She brushes her hand over Buck’s hair softly, as if it could somehow make up for their mistakes. “He just… he made it sound like he did such terrible things. Said he was pretty messed up for a while. Drank too much, slept around a lot…”

Buck's mentioned before that he went through a phase of heavy partying. He said it got a little out of hand. Eddie hasn't thought about that in a long while. Seeing Buck take oxys tonight that he avoided when he was injured... that leaves a sick, uneasy feeling in his stomach. “It was college," Eddie finally manages. “Not that I would know, but I don’t think that’s so out of the ordinary.”

“I think it was more than though. I mean, Evan’s… alluded to things when he’s had too many glasses of wine. And I… I always wanted to know more but…” Her voice breaks off and she makes a sound like she’s trying not to cry. “I was too ashamed to ask, and I didn’t want to pry—”

“Why were you ashamed?”

“Because I wasn’t there.”

“Maddie, you had your own shit to deal with.”

“No,” she shakes her head stubbornly. “Evan and I, we were always there for each other. Our parents weren’t always around and we always had each other’s backs. And then I left. I left him. And when he really needed me, I abandoned him.”

“I don’t think you can really blame yourself when you had an abusive husband, who was slowly manipulating you into cutting off everyone who mattered in your life. It wasn’t your fault, Maddie.”

“Evan is my little brother. I’m supposed to look out for him. And I failed.”

After a while, Eddie says, “You know he feels guilty about the same thing, right? Not being there for you all those years when you were with Doug? He thinks he could’ve helped you, gotten you out sooner, something— _anything,_ if only he had tried harder.”

“Fuck.”

Eddie nods. “Yeah.”

He knows they’ve all been through enough therapy between them. Hell, he’s still struggling with it, though he barely admits it to Frank, let alone himself. He still blames himself for losing Shannon, for letting down his kid, for… Buck getting hurt time and time again even though he knows Buck signed up for this gig. 

When are they all going to get it through their heads that blaming themselves for everything that goes wrong in their lives is pointless? And idiotic.

“Were there a lot?” Eddie suddenly asks. He clarifies only after Maddie’s confused look. “Other guys,” he says reluctantly.

“I think so,” Maddie says softly. “My brother isn’t exactly known for keeping it in his pants.” 

“I’ve heard,” Eddie mutters. Buck 1.0, as it were. Sleeping with anything that moves, so long as they were nice to look at and, well, they let him. Some small, petty part of him feels jealous. Not that he even knew Buck at the time. And yet it sends sparks of rage and possessiveness flipping circles in his gut. 

“He’s different now. Better.” Maddie’s trying to make him feel better. It doesn’t help. “Whatever is in his past… you’re okay with that, right?”

Buck knows all his fucking baggage. What kind of asshole would he be if he couldn’t handle Buck’s? But when he answers, he says, “I… I don’t know, Maddie.”

“I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Eddie scoffs. “It’s nothing I didn’t already know. It’s just… we’ve never had the conversation. That’s all.”

“Maybe you guys should have the conversation,” she says softly. 

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Looking back… Buck was young and stupid, hurting and alone. And… I think he sought out dangerous behaviors as a coping mechanism.”

Eddie looks over and sees tears glimmering in Maddie’s eyes, fixed on her brother’s sleeping face. 

“What do you mean by dangerous behaviors?” He asks. His brow furrows. “Like unprotected sex?”

Maddie shakes her head and quickly wipes away the tears. 

“You know I blame our parents for how messed up we are,” she says, instead of answering him. She chuckles bitterly. “They really did a number on us.”

“Did they ever hit you?”

“No,” Maddie shakes her head. “Nothing like that. They weren’t that evil. They were just… absent. You know, the kind of people who never wanted kids and never should have had them.”

Eddie reaches over and slowly rests his hand on top of hers. The closeness is kind of nice. Even if they are bonding over someone special in their lives getting hurt. 

“Has anything like this ever happened before?”

“What do you mean?” Maddie sniffs. 

“The way Buck reacted today…” Eddie swallows the lump in his throat. He’s a veteran and a firefighter, he’s seen this before. “This was PTSD.”

Maddie looks shocked. “I—I don’t know. How could…” Her voice trails off, helpless. 

“It’s okay,” Eddie squeezes her hand, trying to offer comfort. Even though something inside him is screaming that he is so incredibly wrong. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

For now, they have to believe it.


	4. Chapter 4

Going back to work is a problem. 

“I’m fine, Maddie.” Buck keeps his voice low and drops his gaze to avoid the stares of his fellow firefighters at the station loft. The worried glances and curious eyes are uncomfortable, and annoying, to say the least. “I promise you, I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t feeling up to it.”

It’s been two days since the incident that Buck will not speak of, and his sister is still in full mother-hen mode. “I gotta go, Mads. I still have a few hours left in my shift,” Buck mutters. “Plus, Bobby’s giving me the stink eye for being on my phone.”

That was a lie. Bobby’s watching him, more perceptive than Buck would like, but there’s no disdain there. 

“I don’t appreciate you using me as an excuse to get off the phone with your sister,” Bobby says, once Buck’s hung up the phone.

“Sorry, Cap. Didn’t want to be distracted in case a call came in, that’s all.” 

He feels it when Bobby’s eyes drop to his neck. The bruises are a harsh purple, ugly and yellow around the edges where they’ve faded a bit. His uniform doesn’t do much to hide them. He feels uncomfortable and itchy in his own skin—a first since he joined the 118 firehouse. 

“I’m fine, Bobby,” Buck says. His voice is still rough. But he’ll keep going like a broken record until they all believe him. 

“You know I have a right to be worried about you,” Bobby says softly. He pushes a mug of tea into the younger man’s hands. There’s too much honey in it, just the way Buck likes it. “After what happened…” 

Buck shrugs his shoulders. “It was awful,” he admits. “But I’m fine. Gotta deal with it just like everything else, right? Just part of the job.”

Bobby nods but the look in his eyes says he’s smelling bullshit. “Listen, I’m real proud of you, Buck. When you came back after that leg injury, I’ll be the first to admit—I wasn’t sure if you were ready. Maybe… a part of it was my own shortcomings, my own fault, that I didn’t think you were ready, but… but really, I was afraid you might get hurt again.” 

“Um, thanks, Cap,” Buck says, and he lets out a short laugh, embarrassed. “That means a lot.”

“On the other hand,” Bobby says slowly. “If you do need to take it easy, _do it._ Don’t let your stubbornness get the best of you. I know how hard you worked to get back here.”

Slowly, Buck nods. 

“If you need anything, even if you just want to talk—or not, I’m here. Not just as your Captain,” Bobby emphasizes. “But also as your friend.”

“Thanks, Bobby,” Buck says carefully. “But I just want things to get back to normal.”

After a moment, Bobby still seems unconvinced. But he eventually gives in. “Alright, I still think you could have taken a few extra days off, Buck.”

“Nah, Cap. You know me, getting back to work is the best thing I can do right now.”

Their moment is interrupted when Eddie comes up the stairs to join them. He stands, awkwardly to the side, until Bobby nods and walks away to the kitchen, giving them their privacy.

Buck slowly turns to him. “Don’t give me that face.”

“What face?” Eddie tries to look innocent.

Buck grits his teeth and looks away. Eddie’s reaction to this whole thing has been… difficult. He’s there, but he hovers. And always from a distance. Unreachable. He hasn’t touched him unless he absolutely has to. And he’s barely spoken. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, and Buck doesn’t know how to fix it. 

“The one where you look like you’re about to kick someone’s nose into their throat.” Buck pauses for emphasis, _“Again.”_

“I don’t… look like that,” Eddie mutters stubbornly. 

Buck rolls his eyes. “Yeah, sure.” He’s going for sarcastic. But his voice is so hoarse from injury that it’s probably not coming across great.

Here’s how he sees it: he’s taken a personal day, and that’s enough time to bounce back from _whatever_ nightmare that he’d really rather not think about. He wants to put it behind him and not think about it ever again—if only everyone else would agree to the same. And stop treating him kiddie gloves. 

“How are you feeling, really?” Eddie asks. “Even yesterday, when I came over to Maddie’s after my shift, you still seemed…” he clears his throat awkwardly. “Out of it.”

Buck bows his head. He was more embarrassed than anything else, maybe a bit skittish. The bruises were livid and the pain in his throat was a stark reminder of them. “I’m fine now,” he manages.

“You still needing those pain meds?”

“What? No!” Buck says quickly. He’d completely forgotten about those. “I haven’t taken any since that night. Not even Tylenol.” 

“Okay,” Eddie says. 

“I’m fine. Really, I am.” Buck insists. “Wish everyone would stop hovering.”

“You sound better,” Eddie says softly. His eyes drop to Buck’s neck again, where the bruises are a vivid contrast on his pale skin. 

“Still hurts a bit to talk. But yeah, no reason to stay at home wallowing in my own misery.”

Eddie frowns. His eyes harden and that now-familiar anger starts creeping up again. “So I have my session with Frank tomorrow night,” he says quickly. His voice is weird and Buck gives him a strange look.

“Okay… do you need me to watch Christopher? ”

“No. I mean, yes, I do,” Eddie stutters. “What I meant, was… what about you? Do you maybe also have a session with Frank?” 

Buck’s heart slowly sinks into his stomach. “My mandatory sessions ended a month ago. You know that.”

“I kind of thought, after what happened, you would ask for another.” Eddie's eyes flick between Buck and Bobby, who's busy in the kitchen behind them, like he’s got half a mind to go demand from their captain why Buck hasn’t got a therapy session scheduled yet. 

Buck flushes and looks away. “I was only doing it because I had to. The department insisted after I came back after the surgeries. Why would I decide to voluntarily sign myself up for that?”

“Because it might help you.”

“I’m fine, Eddie. Can you just drop it?” He mutters, seeing Chim and Hen walking up the stairs in a chatter. 

Eddie does, though the look on his face says he’s not happy about it. 

“Hey, Buckaroo, how ya holdin’ up?”

Hen smacks Chimney on the arm. “Look at his face,” she says, pointing a finger at Buck. “Does he not look like he’s had enough of everyone asking him the same damn question all day?”

“Thank you, Hen! Finally, someone with reason who understands that I am perfectly fine!”

Hen gives him a nod in solidarity, but Chim doesn’t look like he’s quite buying it. It probably has something to do with the fact that Buck can’t speak at his usual register and his voice sounds like he’s got a bag of rocks stuck in his throat. Or maybe it’s because he had also spent some time at Maddie’s the previous night, and witnessed first hand how well the younger Buckley was doing.

Thankfully, the bell rings and they don’t have any more time to dwell on it. 

“Let’s go, no more chit-chat!” Bobby says loudly as they all make their way down. 

Hen catches Buck’s arm along the way. “Hey, I’m sorry everyone is walking on eggshells around you,” she says quickly as they pull on their gear. “I know that’s not what you want right now. But you gotta know it’s coming from a good place. We all care about you, Buck.”

“Yeah, I know. I don’t know why you’re the only one who gets it.”

“Y’all did the same thing to me when I came back, after Evelyn.”

She gives him a knowing look and Buck sighs, realizing she was right. “Eddie’s acting fucking weird,” he says shortly.

Hen eyes the red and purple across his throat as they rush towards the vehicles. “Can you blame him? You know he’s acting this way because he’s worried about you.”

“Doesn’t feel like it,” Buck mutters. 

The conversation ends when Hen splits off to go towards the ambulance. She gives him a kind look before she goes. 

In the fire truck, Buck slides into the seat next to Eddie. It doesn’t go unnoticed when the other man scooches over, leaving a healthy foot of space between them. Eddie doesn’t meet his eyes, choosing instead to stare blankly out the window. 

Buck grits his teeth and struggles to focus. Maybe this is too much for the other man. Maybe Eddie is acting strange because he’s trying to figure out how to break off… _whatever this is,_ without hurting his feelings too much. 

Being in love sucks, he decides. 

He'd love to deny it if he could, but he is in love with Eddie Diaz. He probably has been in love since the day he met him. He loves his kid, he loves the way Eddie loves his kid. It nearly broke his heart when Eddie told him that there was no one he trusted with Christopher more than him. Because Buck can’t possibly live up to that. And he doesn’t deserve it. 

But everything is different now.

Buck fucked it up. 

Eddie will barely look at him. He definitely won’t touch him. 

He doesn’t stop watching when he thinks Buck isn’t looking. But he looks away every time that he’s caught. 

Buck swallows the lump in this throat and winces from the pain. He wants things to go back to the way they were. But what if they can’t? What if they can’t go back because this has changed the way Eddie thinks of him?

His body aches and yearns for the other man’s touch.

* * *

A few nights later, the 118 crew are invited to dinner at Bobby and Athena’s house. 

Strangely enough, Buck doesn’t mind it when Athena plays mother hen. 

Athena ushers him inside and shows him where all of the appetizers and drinks are, even though he’s well familiar. “You help yourself to whatever you want, honey. You know I love your appetite.”

Buck grins. “Thank you,” he says. His voice is better now, almost back to normal. And the bruises have mostly faded, though Athena still grimaces when she looks at him. 

“You poor thing,” she says through gritted teeth. Her hand rests gently on his arm and he welcomes the touch. 

He blushes and forces a smile. She seems to sense his discomfort because she pushes a plate of homemade dumplings into his hands instead. “Go have fun now. I don’t want to see you moping around the kitchen tonight, you hear?” 

So Buck joins his friends, feeling more like himself than he has in the past week. 

Buck scarfs down Athena’s bacon corn chowder, his favorite, and he laughs with his friends. His family. 

He relentlessly tries to make conversation with Eddie until the other man gives in. He can’t avoid him forever. Chris is talking to Maddie and Hen, so he can’t use his son as an excuse. He sulks a bit until Buck corners him. 

They talk about the pair of frat bros they saved earlier that day, and how dumb their ridiculous stunt was. They laugh about how freaked out Chim got when a family pet gerbil got loose during a house call and nearly ran into his leg. They talk about Christopher and school and how Carla would be out of town for the next few weeks for the holidays and family obligations. 

They talk about everything but _them._

They’ve both had a few beers and have finally started to relax. Still, it feels like a wall has built up between them, and Buck’s not sure how to break it down. 

Overall, it’s a pretty good night. 

And when it ends, as goodbyes are said, Christopher reaches for his hand and asks, “Buck, will you come home with us tonight?”

Slack-jawed, Buck’s eyes quickly flick to Eddie’s face, who looks as shocked as he does.

“Um… buddy, I’d love to, but it’s pretty late—”

“Buck, we haven’t had you over in _so_ long. I miss you. And I miss your breakfast.”

Buck chuckles softly, and in his peripheral, he sees the corners of Eddie’s lips turn up into a grin. 

“Yeah, your dad’s pretty awful in the kitchen, isn’t he?”

“If you don’t come over, Buck, I might starve.”

“Alright, Chris, that’s enough.” Eddie’s tone is playful and he pats his son softly on the head. “If Buck doesn’t mind, he can spend the night and make you breakfast tomorrow, alright? But you gotta ask nicely.”

Chris puts on his biggest, brightest smile. “Buck, _pleeease?”_

“Now how could I say no to that?” Buck says with a laugh. When he meets Eddie’s eyes, he sees true gratitude in his friend’s smile.

His heart sings at the thought of spending the night at the Diaz household. Maybe him and Eddie can finally clear the air between them. His gut churns nervously at the thought that things might not go the way that he wants.

When they get back to Eddie's place, Buck waits in the kitchen while Eddie helps his son get ready for bed. He’s nervous and trying his best not to pace. Every few seconds, he peeks down the hallway to see if Chris has settled into his room yet. 

Finally, the house grows quiet. 

Buck silently makes his way to Eddie’s room, where the door lies half-open, as the other man was clearly expecting him. 

“Get in here,” Eddie whispers with a jerk of his head. “Close the door.”

The door shuts with a soft click.

“Thank you, for coming over,” Eddie starts. “Chris has been asking about you all week. I’ve told him that you’re not feeling well, but… he misses his Buck,” he says with a crooked smile. 

Buck nods. He loves that kid with all his heart. It’s with the kid's father that he’s unsure of where he stands. 

He tries to smile, but it comes across as a bit of a grimace and a little self-deprecating. "So, is this over?" he asks. “You and me?”

There’s a moment of heavy silence in the room as Eddie stares at him. He’s shocked like he can’t process the words that came out of the other man’s mouth. And then he explodes. “What?! No! No, it’s not—” Eddie can’t even bring himself to say it. “Why would you say that?” He asks harshly.

“Because you barely speak to me, unless it’s work-related,” Buck says. “You won’t even look at me, half the time, and you make excuses to leave every conversation like you can’t get away fast enough. You haven’t _touched_ me since—” 

“I’m sorry!” Eddie surges forward, he pulls the other man by the front of his shirt, and then they’re kissing. It’s a messy mash of lips together, and Eddie kisses him like his lungs are empty and Buck is his oxygen. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You’re right, I was an idiot.”

“I didn’t say that,” Buck mumbles against him. A small smile plays on his lips. “But yeah, you are.”

“I just,” Eddie breaks off and kisses him again. “I want you, like all the time. I want to _touch_ you, so badly. Sometimes, I can barely stop myself.”

“Why haven’t you?” Buck asks quietly. 

“I was afraid you didn’t want me to.” Eddie’s eyes drop to Buck’s throat, where the bruises have broken up and faded. There are a few remaining harsh purple spots, but the rest have faded to a faint yellowish-green. “Seeing you like that… I didn’t know how to act. And I didn’t want to make things worse, so I tried to give you your space.”

“I don’t want space,” Buck whispers. "Not now."

“I know,” Eddie says softly. “But I figured you probably didn’t want me jumping your bones ‘cause I couldn’t keep my hands to myself either.” He leans up to press their lips together again and Buck chuckles softly against him. “Almost happened a few times during a shift,” Eddie adds. 

“How about now?”

Eddie answers by taking him by the arm and pulling them both towards the bed.

“Promise you won’t kick me out later?” Buck asks with a raised brow. 

“You’re not going anywhere.”

The funny thing is, when the clothes are off and the relief sets in, exhaustion and simply being in each other’s arms wins out. And they just sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Sometimes, he can still feel the harsh grasp around him, the fingers twisting and digging into his pulse, cutting off his air. When he lets down his guard, closes his eyes—the weight chokes him, heavy from above, holding him down, strangling him. And if he lets it go long enough, he disconnects, only to come back some time later gasping and struggling to draw breath into his lungs.

Buck did a lot of stupid things when he was younger. He brushed it off as another one of his ‘phases’. There were a lot of drugs, forgotten nights, and waking up with random strangers. He lost track of the number of blackouts. One of those times he disconnected, he came back to himself cold and hurting. His limbs felt stiff like he hadn’t moved in hours. And then it settled and he couldn’t help but cry out in pain. 

He cursed loudly into the empty room. His face was sticky like he had been crying, but the tears had long dried. He was naked. A while later, he picked himself up off the ground, and just kept going.

* * *

“So how’s he doing, really?” Hen asks Eddie when they’re alone in the station kitchen. 

Eddie shrugs and prefers to focus on making his coffee in lieu of speaking. He pours the milk and sugar, and stirs the damn thing far harder than necessary. “He’s better,” he finally mutters. “Kind of different, but better.”

Hen’s look is concerned, but she never crosses the line into overbearing. That’s what Eddie likes about her. Makes her easy to talk to. 

Though he's still not used to everyone knowing about _them._ Together. A couple.

“It’s weird,” Eddie says softly. “I don’t know how to explain it. Sometimes he’s Buck, laughing, cracking jokes, playing with Christopher, and then sometimes… it’s like he’s not even there.”

Hen nods, her expression solemn. “Trauma and abuse can sometimes result in dissociation, depersonalization, it’s a form of PTSD—”

“I know all about PTSD,” Eddie says roughly. He was in the army for god’s sake. He rubs a hand over his face, suddenly so tired and wishing he hadn’t snapped. “If it was abuse, why doesn’t Maddie know about it?”

Hen frowns. “You’re thinking parents?”

“She says they never laid a hand on them. They weren’t exactly saints, but they weren’t horrible people either.”

“Could’ve been an ex, maybe?”

Eddie grits his teeth and seethes, furious over even the thought of someone laying a hand on Buck. The rage has him shaking, the worst part being that he doesn’t _know_. Anything he imagines can be infinitely worse than the truth, and yet still fall short of reality. Because he’s never been hurt that way before. “I hate that I don’t know,” he says through his teeth. “I hate that I can’t help him.”

“But you can help him,” Hen says gently. “Just by being there, you’re helping him. Have you… have you tried talking to him about it? Get him to open up?” 

Eddie fidgets and stares down at his mug. “Buck’s usually the talkative one.” 

“Maybe it’s time for you to step it up,” Hen says carefully. 

“Maybe,” Eddie agrees. It feels daunting and there might be a dozen different ways to approach it. The only thing he’s sure of is that he doesn’t want to fuck it up. 

There is something about Buck’s behavior that’s got him walking on eggshells. He could be overthinking it. But in case he’s not, he wants someone else’s opinion. “Hey, um, a few months ago, when you and Karen were going through your rough period,” he clears his throat uncomfortably. “You know, with the IVF and… Evelyn…”

Hen’s eyes darken and she looks away, pained. 

“I’m sorry to ask, and this is going to sound super weird, but… were you guys having sex?” 

Hen’s brows nearly rise to her hairline. “No,” she says, her voice hard. “Things were pretty dry for a while. Why?”

“Yeah, so I was expecting that too!” Eddie says, his arms flailing up. “But we’re banging more than ever. He wants to fuck, like _all_ the time, every chance we can get! Christ, I’m worried I’m going to start chafing.” He feels like an idiot, complaining about having _too_ much sex. His younger self would have a field day. But now, there’s an awful feeling in his gut that something is very off with their sex life. 

Not that Hen wants to hear about it, because she pulls a face at him. “I did not need to know that. No, no, too many…” She waves her hand in the air. “Boy parts.”

“This isn’t normal,” Eddie says seriously. 

Hen sighs and eventually she nods in agreement. “It could be… a coping mechanism. In response to stress or trauma. I mean, this is _Buck_ we’re talking about, a self-proclaimed sex addict.”

Eddie winces at the term _sex addict._ He hates it, it sounds so… fake. How can anyone be addicted to sex? Sure sex feels good. But his brain can’t wrap around it being a dependency, like drugs or alcohol. “Yeah, I thought he was exaggerating,” he finally says. “For most of the time that I’ve known him, he's been single and not sleeping with anyone.” 

Hen is quiet for a moment, thoughtful. And then solemnly, she says, “Addicts relapse.”

Eddie’s heart sinks. He doesn’t want to believe it. Especially if Buck has been using him as a way to deal with whatever trauma he hasn’t shared. It hurts, knowing that Buck is hiding things, hiding his pain. And there’s nothing he can do about it. 

Hen must see the pained emotions on his face. And she knows that his first instinct will be to try to _fix_ whatever this is. But it’s never as easy or simple as that. She reads him like an open book. 

“Wow,” she says softly. “You really do love him.”

Eddie swallows the lump in his throat. He blinks quickly, hoping the tears in his eyes dry fast. “Yeah, I do,” he says quietly. He’s not exactly sure how he got here, but he knows he’s so far gone for Evan Buckley, there’s no turning back now. And he’ll be there for him until Buck doesn’t want him anymore. Even then, he’ll put up a fight to stay. 

“I’m happy for you,” Hen says sincerely. “But you got to know that you can’t fix this alone. _Buck_ needs to work on Buck. You can’t force this better no matter how much you want to. But you can help him get to where he needs to be.”

Eddie sighs and drops his gaze. He knows she’s right. He’s just not sure how exactly to go about it.

* * *

Eddie has never been one to crave intimacy. He doesn’t think that says anything bad about him, he’s just not that person. He was never much of a cuddler. He would do it with Shannon because she liked it. She liked to pull his arm around her after they made love, and kept it there until she fell asleep. 

He never _needed_ to do it with Buck because they never stuck around in bed together afterward. Though maybe, a small part of him always knew that Buck wanted to stay. 

And now it’s like their roles have flipped. Eddie finds himself wanting that type of intimacy, yet Buck seems to pull away from him when he tries to offer it.

Sex is hard and fast, and frequent. Usually with Buck on his elbows and knees, begging him for more. Like he wants Eddie to be rougher with him. He tries his best. He can’t remember the last time they were gentle, tender with each other in bed. Have they ever had sex like that?

Sometimes when Eddie is tired, and can’t find it in himself to give Buck what he wants, the other man pushes him back, climbs onto his lap, and fucks himself roughly on his cock until they’re both coming. Eddie doesn’t really mind, because sex with Buck is always amazing. And at least this way, Eddie gets to hold his arms around him while they’re fucking. Gets to see his face, and the long column of his neck, healthy and healed.

He just doesn’t know how to say that he wants to slow down.

Most nights, Buck stays over in his bed. There’s some wordless agreement between them that Eddie wants Buck to stay, and Buck doesn’t want to be alone. Even when they fuck at Buck’s apartment, Eddie is loathed to leave him afterward.

When the sex is over, as they lay together in Eddie’s bed, Buck is quiet, withdrawn, and _so_ not like Buck. Eddie doesn’t know what to do. He hesitantly wraps an arm around Buck’s waist and pulls himself close. He has a feeling Buck lets him do it, only because he knows it makes Eddie feel better. 

Sometimes, Eddie gets the sense that Buck is angry with himself, or maybe just frustrated.

He doesn’t know how to fix them. A small part of him wants to ignore the problem. Tells himself that it’s all in his head, that there’s nothing wrong with them. Because Buck is still Buck, and he’s here and he’s staying and that means Eddie is clearly enough for him so _why the fuck_ is he looking for trouble when there is none?

And then one morning, he’s awakened by the strangest sensation, pulled out of his slumber to the feeling of Buck pressed against his back and a lubed finger sliding inside him. 

“Whoa,” he gasps. He’s embarrassed by the sound that he makes.

Behind him, Buck chuckles. The sound rumbles in his chest and Eddie shivers against him. 

“Never done this before,” Eddie’s voice cracks as Buck moves inside him. It feels good—strange, but good. And it suddenly strikes him how weird it is that he’s never considered being on the receiving end. 

“You want to?” Buck’s voice is gruff in his ear. It makes Eddie’s morning wood harden impressively and he gives a small nod of his head. 

He’s a bit hesitant, feeling Buck shift behind him. He cranes his head back to look and sees Buck squirting more lube onto his fingers. The sun coming in through the window creates a bit of a halo around Buck’s head. His hair sticks up in all directions, messy and unkempt, and Eddie is suddenly struck by how _gorgeous_ he is, tongue peeking out between red lips, blue eyes shining beneath golden lashes— 

His thoughts are cut off when Buck’s hand slips behind him, this time pressing two fingers in to stretch him out. 

Eddie moans, the sound muffled when he drops his head, knowing that they are not alone in the house. 

“Alright?” Buck asks.

“Doesn’t hurt,” Eddie manages. “Just feels weird.”

“You’ll get used to it.”

Buck’s warm hand lays on his hip and he suddenly rolls him so that Eddie’s laying on his back. He’s not sure what’s happening, still getting used to the new sensations, and then Buck is somewhere between his legs. A warm mouth wraps around the head of his cock and a startled moan escapes his throat before he can stop it. 

Buck takes him deeper, swallowing him down until Eddie feels himself hitting the back of his throat. And then Buck makes a sound, something deep that’s part noise but mostly vibration. Eddie’s hands tremble as they find themselves buried in Buck’s messy bedhead. His hips jerk before he can help himself. He whispers an apology, but Buck’s taken it all in stride. The muscles of his throat close around him like Buck was born to swallow his cock. 

He hollows his cheeks, swirls his tongue as Eddie glances down, catching bright blue eyes and the sight is so hot, he nearly comes right there. 

But Buck doesn’t want him to finish just yet. He pulls off, dick obscenely falling from his lips with a wet pop. And his fingers renew their motion, stretching him, _curling_ just right until a jolt of pleasure rushes inside and Eddie suddenly realizes why Buck likes to take it so much. 

He adds another finger and Eddie hisses softly at the burn. He’s making all sorts of wet, breathy noises now.

Buck rises slightly, looking down at him with his weight held up by an arm near Eddie’s head. 

“Can I?” He asks. His voice is heavy and rough, like it’s been fucked. And Eddie has never been so turned on in his life.

They’ve never done this before. They’ve never even talked about it. 

Eddie nods. 

Buck carefully rolls him over again to position himself behind him. An odd sensation grows in Eddie’s chest, and he finds himself wishing that he could see Buck’s face as they fuck. These thoughts are short-lived as Buck slides in, groaning softly because Eddie is almost unbearably tight. 

It hurts. Eddie’s hands grip the pillow beneath his head, clenching so hard that they ache. It’s not that Buck isn’t being careful, or slow, because he is. And of course, Eddie knew it was going to hurt. He wonders if it’s because it’s his first time, or if it always feels like this. 

“You okay?”

“Mhmm.” Eddie’s eyes are clenched shut. He’s biting his bottom hard enough to draw blood. 

“Try to relax. It’ll feel better soon,” Buck promises.

Buck starks to move, slow at first, just to get him used to it. And then yeah, it starts to feel good. The burn fades and it starts to feel really good, as Buck’s cock brushes against his prostate over and over. He arches his back against Buck’s warm, solid chest, wanting to feel more of him. A trembling hand reaches behind to find Buck’s arm. He pulls it around himself, pulling them closer. He can literally feel Buck moving inside him but it doesn’t seem close enough. 

Their fingers lace together against his abdomen. Buck fucks him harder until Eddie’s whining. His face buried in the pillow to muffle the sounds that he can’t hold back. Buck’s hips stutter and he starts to move faster, snapping his hips roughly. It feels good but oddly reminiscent of the kind of sex they had _before_ , just reversed. That’s how Eddie thinks about it. A dividing line. Before and after _it_ happened. Before and after he had his revelation that Buck means everything to him, not just some lay who happens to be really good in the sack. 

There’s an energy in the room, a sexual aggression that Eddie isn’t used to seeing from Buck.

It’s disconcerting but it makes him come all the same. And fuck, he’s trembling and shuddering and he clenches around Buck’s cock as he comes, making a mess against the sheets and himself. Buck follows seconds later. Eddie’s never felt hot spunk shooting in his ass before. It’s a weird sensation, filthy and hot and there’s so much Buck, it’s overloading all his senses in the best way possible. 

They pant, pressed against each other, catching their breaths. 

Eddies wants it to last— 

But Buck pulls away, he pulls out carefully and falls to his side. When Eddie turns to look at him, Buck is staring at the ceiling, blank and unseeing. Only the flush of his cheeks and the heavy rise and fall of his chest betray any evidence that he just came. 

Eddie watches him, silent. His fingers slowly reach out. They wrap around Buck’s bicep and just stay there. The other man doesn’t pull away and Eddie takes that as a good sign. 

It ends when Buck sits up, reaches for his clothes, and stands to leave, muttering something about using the bathroom and then having errands to run that day. 

Eddie closes his eyes when he’s alone. He exhales and smells _Buck_ when he breathes in through his nostrils. He’s sore and tired and covered in his own cum. But it’s a good ache, and he wishes Buck had stayed. 

He always misses Buck.

He knows on some level that he can’t expect Buck to be here all the time. Buck has his own apartment to go back to. Buck is not Christopher’s parent. Eddie can’t expect him to be there for them always. Though he always extends the invitation. Always hopeful when he does.

Every outing to the park, every movie night, even a doctor’s appointment, which Eddie was afraid might cross a line. But Buck had smiled and said, of course, he would be there. Eddie’s heart clenches when he thinks of them, as a family. He knows how much his kid loves Buck. And he loves Buck too. 

There’s something real here, he knows it. Something special. And he's going to chase it because he’d be a fool to let it slip through his fingers. 

* * *

Buck’s been weird about their sex positions ever since the incident. He doesn’t like to be on his back. He’s never had to say anything. Eddie feels him tense, and he knows from the way Buck pushes him off, rolls himself over, or climbs on top of him. 

And then one time, when they’re making out on Buck’s couch, Eddie forgets. 

They’re really getting into it, so hot and heavy that they can’t be bothered to go up to the loft, where the bed is bigger and far more comfortable. Buck feels so good against him, warm and firm and real. He _tastes_ so good, that Eddie can't help but want more.

Their positions shift as Eddie adjusts his hips, pulling them so that their bodies can better fit on the couch. He’s pushing Buck back until they fall into place. His body lies heavily on top of him. One hand is buried in Buck’s hair, the other on his hip. They’re touching, hips grinding, still kissing, and Buck is making the most wonderful sounds, until— 

Buck pushes him away violently. He pushes him hard enough that Eddie stumbles over his own feet and catches himself just in time to keep from slamming into the coffee table. He lands on his ass and finds himself blinking up in surprise. 

Buck is gasping, his voice raspy and horrified. “I’m sorry,” he wheezes, and then he keeps gasping. He keeps saying it, repeating it, over and over. _“I’m sorry.”_

Eddie blinks, confused and unsure. His brain hasn’t caught up yet. And then he takes in the fear on the other man’s face, the panic and the glazed eyes, unseeing and so very unsettling. 

Buck’s trembling, trying to pull himself back. For a second, he dissociated. He was there, touching Eddie, kissing him, and then he wasn’t. He feels sick and dirty. His neck throbs, though there’s been no sign of injury there for weeks. He gasps, struggling to catch his breath. He sees Eddie, he _sees_ him, shocked and horrified, and he has to remind himself, this is _Eddie._ And he suddenly feels so disgusted with himself that he wants to disappear. He never meant for this to happen.

Fear slowly creeps into Eddie’s bones, sinking steadily until it devours him. 

He keeps his distance, knowing that Buck doesn’t want to be touched. 

Buck’s curled into himself, pulled himself away into the corner of the couch, looking like the slightest touch might hurt him. The sounds coming from him make Eddie hurt. It feels like someone had buried a knife in his gut. And it’s twisting.

“I’m sorry,” Buck keeps whispering, and Eddie closes his eyes, feeling worse. He’d love never to hear another apology fall from Buck’s lips. 

Eddie hates it. 

He’s scared and terrified because he doesn’t know how to help the man he loves.

He just wants Buck to be better, to feel better. 

When Buck asks, Eddie tells him he’s not mad. 

Buck’s voice is soft and scared, almost like a child’s. Again, Eddie tells him he’s not mad. He tells him it’s okay. That there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. 

But he knows nothing is okay. 

“Buck,” Eddie whispers after a while. They’ve settled down a bit, and Buck is calmer. He’s still sitting on the far end of the couch. Eddie has hesitantly taken a seat, but he’s careful to leave plenty of space between them. “Buck, has this ever happened before? When we… you know…” His voice trails off because it’s too painful to say. 

Buck slowly meets his eyes and he tries again. “B-before,” Eddie stutters. “All those times we had sex… have you ever…” He can’t bring himself to finish his question.

“No,” Buck whispers harshly. “No, no, never. I swear.” 

Eddie feels a small dose of relief, but it’s fleeting at best. He closes his eyes and feels so, so stupid that he didn’t see this coming. 

“Please don’t hate me,” Buck whispers.

“I could never hate you,” Eddie says seriously. “Buck, I _love_ you.” 

And that’s the first time those words have been said between them. Eddie doesn’t even realize right away what a monumental moment this is. But the look on Buck’s face says it all. 

“I love you,” Eddie says it again. Strained, he asks, “Therapy? Please?” He knows how much Buck hates it, but he’s ready to beg if he has to.

After a moment, Buck slowly reaches out to grab Eddie’s hand and he grips it tight.

Finally, Buck nods in silent agreement. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning and tags have been updated. Please be aware :)

Three days later, Buck meets Dr. Rory Klein. He had told Eddie that he didn’t want to go back to any of the department’s counselors. Far too awkward to spill his guts to Frank, or Rosemary, or anyone else who knows him as a member of the LAFD.

He needs to keep _it_ and work separated or he’ll lose his mind. 

Through Frank though, Eddie gets a recommendation for a trauma counselor who might be good for Buck. Dr. Klein specializes in survivors of abuse. _Survivor,_ Eddie reminds himself, each time the words _abuse_ and _Buck_ said in the same sentence make him sick to his stomach.

Eddie passes the business card to Buck and asks him to make an appointment. 

Buck stares at it for a full minute before he nods. They both hate therapy. Eddie’s complained countless times about his mandatory sessions with Frank. But right now, he prays that Buck gets the help that he needs. 

His first session starts like this:

“It’s nice to meet you, Evan Buckley.”

“It’s uh… it’s actually just Buck.”

“Okay. So what do you do, Buck?”

“I’m a firefighter.”

“And you chose not to go to one of the LAFD’s many qualified counselors. I take it you’re not here to discuss work-related trauma?”

Buck shrugs, not meeting Klein’s eyes. “It’s tangentially related.”

“Why don’t you tell me why you are here? And take your time,” Klein says gently.

It takes nearly the whole first session for Buck to get the words out. 

“I think I have issues with sex and intimacy. I thought I was past it, over it, but… something happened recently and… I am so terrified that my fucked up issues are going to end up costing me the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Klein learns, over their sessions, that Buck is talking about Eddie. 

Therapy is rough for Buck. He hates talking about his past and his damage and his fears. He hates dredging up these old forgotten memories. If it were up to him, they would stay buried and left alone. 

He’s constantly in a sour mood. Everyone’s learned to keep their distance. He even snapped at Bobby once, before realizing what he’d done and bowing his head in shame. A muttered apology falls from his lips. Bobby and Eddie make eye contact then, a silent exchange between them. 

_Is he doing okay?_ Bobby’s expression asks.

Eddie can only manage a meager shrug of his shoulders. 

The only times Buck seems to act like himself are when they’re out on a call, and when he’s around Christopher. Eddie figures the former is probably because of the adrenaline, a chemical rush that gets Buck out of his headspace. And the latter, well… Eddie always knew he had an amazing kid. But he’s never been so grateful for his son’s ability to get Buck to smile like he doesn’t have a care in the world. 

Buck cherishes every single moment that he spends with Chris. Just in case Eddie ever decides to change his mind. Maybe one day he’ll wake up and realize that Buck might not be the best guy to have around his son. He's sure it'll happen eventually.

When they’re alone, Buck withdraws from Eddie. He’s quiet. He lets Eddie touch him, whether it be a gentle hand on his arm when they're hanging out at the station, or an arm wrapped around his waist at night. But he never initiates. Eddie misses the days when they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. 

He lets Eddie kiss him, but he never leans into it. 

They’ve stopped having sex. 

“I feel like such an asshole,” Buck says to Dr. Klein.

“Why’s that, Buck?”

“Eddie is the best thing in my life. Eddie and Christopher. And… you know he _actually_ puts up with me. I have no idea why, when I am such a fucking mess all the time. And—and I know that I’m needy and exhausting and yet I can’t stop pushing him away and I just know…” Buck shudders and takes a breath, blinking through the tears in his eyes. “I just know that he’s going to wake up one day and realize that he made a huge mistake with me.” 

Just like everyone else in his life… “And then he’s going to leave.”

Klein wants to know more about his relationship with Eddie. He wants to know why Buck is so certain that Eddie will give up on them.

“I can’t even do this one thing that I’m supposed to be good at.”

“You mean sex,” Klein says softly.

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. I love sex, I love sex with _Eddie_. But every time I even think about it, I… I freeze and I choke and I remember the last time—” He cuts off abruptly. 

“When you were triggered?”

Slowly Buck nods. 

“Tell me about your relationship with sex.”

He tells him that he was fifteen when he lost his virginity to a guy.

“He was an older guy?”

Buck’s eyes narrow, silently questioning how he knew. 

Klein blinks and nods for him to continue. So Buck tells the story. But the version that he has in his head isn’t the one that Klein hears. 

“This was someone who was supposed to help you. Your parents hired him to tutor you. In a sense, he had power over you. Do you see how that’s a violation?”

“No, no, I chased _him_ ,” Buck explains. “I liked him, I flirted with him, I kissed him first. I wanted it to happen and it did.”

“An older guy. Someone with more experience than you?”

Buck snorts. “He was a freshman in college. He wasn’t that much older. Besides, how else are you supposed to gain experience?”

“Why do you think you pursued him, Buck?”

Buck swallows and thinks about it. They were all alone in that big house. He hardly ever saw his parents. Maddie had stopped calling. “I wanted the attention,” he says softly.

Later that night, Buck complains to Eddie about his therapist. 

“All he wants to talk about is sex.”

Eddie blanches. “What?”

“I know I have issues and I feel like a fucking nutjob right now, I—” Buck grimaces and sighs. “I just hate all this… talking about it.”

Eddie is still caught on the first thing. He remembers how Buck’s first therapist had had sex with him and he fights to squash out the rage that’s building in his chest. He forces himself to relax his clenched jaw because this isn’t about his jealousy or indignation over some other guy knowing things that Buck doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with him. 

This is about Buck getting better. 

“Hey, you’re not a nutjob!” He says suddenly. 

Buck looks up and gives him a small smile. 

“This guy is helping, right?”

Buck shrugs. “I guess so.”

And then, after a moment, he takes a few steps towards him and plants a kiss on Eddie’s lips. 

Eddie’s eyes flicker quickly between surprise and adoration. Buck smiles again. They spend the rest of the night watching movies with Christopher on the couch until the youngest is fast asleep between them. 

_“There’s a whole field of psychology that studies the effects of sex on identity. There are entire textbooks filled with dysfunctions and neuroses, tied up with sexuality and libido. I want you to think about that, Buck. I want you to really consider how sex has played a role in your young and adult life.”_

“Were you close to your parents growing up?”

“My sister practically raised me. Maddie. She’s here now, in the city. But for a few years, we had lost contact.” Buck clears his throat and looks down at his lap. “She left for school when I was eleven.”

“That must have been hard for you.”

Klein asks what high school was like. He asks about his relationships.

Buck had a lot of girlfriends in high school. He was popular, good looking, a bit of a badass. The girls flocked to that. No boyfriends though. Just a few hand jobs and blow jobs snuck behind the school or wherever they could get away with it.

This one time, his girlfriend of a few weeks caught him getting blown by his chemistry partner behind the school. 

She yelled and slapped him across the face before storming off, tears running down her cheeks. 

The guy blowing him had run off too. 

That was the first time he had hurt someone because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. 

“Did that happen a lot?”

It did. With girls, Buck learned to make it clear from the start that he wasn’t interested in anything serious. With guys… sometimes he let them stick around a bit longer. 

Buck has a type. 

Klein asks him to describe the qualities he’s drawn to. Buck likes them strong-willed and with a no-bullshit attitude. He’s attracted to people who know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it. 

He likes girls who tug him down by his shirt to kiss him, girls who push him into bathroom stalls, and climb onto his lap to take their own pleasure. 

He likes guys with a possessive streak, guys who grow dark in the eyes when he flirts with someone else. He likes guys strong enough to hold him down, and fuck him rough and hard until he’s not sure if he’s crying from pain or pleasure. 

Some of those guys didn’t like it when Buck would sleep around on them.

They got mad. Sometimes they got violent. 

That’s usually when Buck would break things off. 

One time a guy threw a punch when he tried to end things. With bloody teeth and an odd rush running through him, Buck had punched him right back. 

“Eddie thinks I’m weak,” Buck huffs. “I see how he walks on eggshells around me. Treats me like fragile glass.”

“He’s worried about you,” Klein says. “As any loving partner would be.”

But he’s not weak. He’s not some victim. It was nothing he wasn’t asking for. Nothing he didn’t go _looking_ for. He did a lot of fucked up things back then.

“It feels wrong,” Buck says quietly. “Talking about things that are bad in our relationship.”

“Every relationship has bumps, Buck. It’s a part of building a life with another person.”

“I love Eddie. I love him so much. And I wanted him for so long. I almost lost him because of my—” 

Klein asks him about that story too.

Buck talks about the ladder truck explosion and the lawsuit that followed. How it was the stupidest thing he’d ever done and of course, he did it because he was thinking of nothing but himself. He didn’t think about the consequences, or how it would affect the people he’d come to call his family. He didn’t think about Eddie who needed him, and Christopher who was struggling without him. 

“He said that I was exhausting,” Buck whispers. “That I should just suck it up. That I make everything about myself, and he was right. Even now. Why couldn’t I see that? And how do I stop?”

Klein jots down a few notes in his notebook and changes the subject. “Let’s talk about intimacy.”

Buck takes a breath. So it continues. 

* * *

A few days later, the whole crew is at Hen and Karen’s place for Denny’s birthday party. Buck is feeling a lot better, as he shows up with a big smile and his arms full of presents, Eddie and Chris by his side. 

They have a good time. No one treats him differently, and no one asks how therapy is going. When Eddie glances at his empty bottle and asks if he wants another, Buck grins and nods his head. 

Eddie plants a brief kiss against the corner of his mouth before he walks off, empty bottles in hand. 

At his side, Chris pulls a face at them and Buck can’t help but chuckle softly. 

He thinks about intimacy while Eddie has gone to the kitchen. He looks around and sees healthy examples all around him. Maddie is laughing at something Chim said. Her hand rests on his arm as the other is wrapped around her midsection, shaking in laughter. They look happy.

On the other side of the room, Hen is showing photos from an album to Athena and Bobby. Buck can’t hear what she’s saying, but the smile on Hen’s face says it all. She’s talking about her family. 

Bobby’s arm is around his wife’s waist. She lightly touches his shoulder as she speaks and laughs. 

They’re all so happy. 

That night when they’re in bed, Buck touches Eddie’s face and pulls him close for a kiss. He presses their bodies together, closes his eyes, and just tries to feel the moment. Eddie is warm and solid. The mint from his toothpaste tingles against Buck’s tongue. It doesn’t take long before Buck can feel his hardened length press against his hip. 

Then Eddie pulls back. His breath sounds ragged. His eyes are hooded, pupils blown with lust. 

But Buck lays a strong hand on the other man’s shoulder, stopping him before he gets very far. 

“I want this,” he says, his voice low.

Eddie hesitates. “Are you sure?” They haven’t touched each other like that in weeks. 

“Don’t ask me again. Yes, I’m sure.”

Buck lies on his back as Eddie reaches into a drawer for the lube. At the other man’s questioning eyes, he says. “It’s okay. I want to see your face.”

So Eddie settles between his legs. A slick finger presses slowly inside him and Buck sighs quietly at the breach. He’s missed this. It’s been a while so Eddie takes more time than usual to stretch him out. He’s careful. And sweet. Buck kind of hates that a bit. 

He bites back a muffled groan when Eddie finally pushes inside him. Like a mantra, Buck says his name in his head, over and over and over. _Eddie. This is Eddie. Eddie._

Afterward, he falls asleep with Eddie’s arm wrapped tight around him. 

And then a few hours later, he wakes up in a cold sweat, shaking and trembling. Blood pounds in his ears and his chest is tight like someone had been sitting on him. 

He whimpers softly, and he feels Eddie shift beside him.

“Buck?” Eddie’s voice is groggy with sleep. “You alright?”

“I’m fine,” Buck says quickly. “Go back to sleep.”

The next morning, Eddie stares at the bags under his eyes and the haunted expression on his face. He doesn’t say a word. 

Buck is so frustrated with himself. “I keep pushing him away,” he vents angrily to Dr. Klein. “Why do I do that? Why do I sabotage the one good thing I’ve got going on?”

“You told me about your ex-girlfriend, the special one. Abby. Did you push her away too?”

It’s been ages since he thought about Abby. He wonders where she is now. More than anything, he hopes that she’s happy. 

“I liked Abby,” Buck says quietly. “I liked how she made me feel. When I was with her I… I wanted the intimacy. The closeness. I liked who I was around her. And I tried… I really tried. Maybe for the first time ever, I tried to be good enough.”

“And when she left?”

Buck bows his head, feeling tears prick at his eyes. “Everyone leaves,” he whispers harshly. “You’d think I’d be used to it by now.”

“You’re afraid that Eddie will leave too.”

“I’m terrified of it.”

“I think that explains some of your behavior. It’s a defense mechanism to protect yourself from getting hurt again,” Klein explains to him. “You love, deeply, but you’re also scared of getting hurt. So you push them away. Emotionally, you keep your intimate partners at an arm’s length, have done ever since you were a teen.”

Buck’s starting to see how that could be the case. 

Their next session, Klein asks again, how things are going with Eddie.

“We went to his Abuela’s this past weekend. It was nice,” Buck says. And it really was. Eddie’s family loves him. “ _Hermoso!”_ Abuela says every time she sees him and she'll plant a big kiss on his cheek. 

_“I don’t know what you did, Eddito, to deserve such a wonderful companion like this man.”_

Eddie blushed and they shared an embarrassed look as Chris giggled at Pepa’s side.

Eddie likes taking him out, which is a new side of him. They go on dates, actual dates, like dinner at Buck’s favorite restaurant, followed by a walk through downtown, and ending the night with Eddie buying them ice-cream like they’re still in high school or something. 

Every family gathering, every school event, every play date at the park, Eddie asks him to be there. Like he’s trying to show Buck that they’re not going anywhere.

Eddie still holds him every night in their bed, his arm a heavy presence around his waist. 

Buck feels his eyes on him. Always.

“Like I get it,” Buck says, as Klein listens. “I get why he’s doing this. And this is what I wanted. But now, I don’t know, it just feels different. And I don’t understand why I feel so… suffocated.”

Buck thinks about Eddie’s gentle touch. His soft, warm, loving eyes. 

_“It feels like I can’t breathe.”_

Sometime later, on a call, the 118 firehouse runs into the 136 at a corporate building fire. 

Hours later, when the flames are out and they’ve saved everyone that they can, Eddie walks up to Lena Bosko with a grin. 

They’re still on good terms. Lena was cool about it since Eddie apologized and stopped being an asshole. He always makes sure to ask about her non-existent cat. 

“I heard about you and Romeo.” She winks and nods her head in Buck’s direction. “The 118 lovebirds.”

Buck looks up but doesn’t really know what to say. 

“Nice job, tiger. Guess I won’t be seeing you at fight club anymore, huh?”

Hearing that sends Buck’s thoughts going in a whole different direction. A dangerous one. His mind wanders to what Eddie must have been like in that fighting ring—oh right, there was no ring. But there was a fence. And in that fence, there would have been blood, sweat, bruises, and pain. 

He’s thrown back to when he had casually suggested that Eddie might have been throwing his punches at the wrong guy. And then he wonders what it would actually take to make Eddie throw a punch at him. 

Of course, Eddie said he would never. He had joked about the blood thinners and they moved on. But Buck was hard just thinking about it happening. 

He’s done it before. He did a lot of fucked up things like that. Provoked a lot of guys into… being rough, aggressive. It was something that he liked. Maybe still likes.

But Eddie’s trying so hard to be good. The thought of Buck doing that to him… it makes his stomach do flips in a weird way that he can’t explain. 

“You have abandonment issues,” Klein explains when Buck brings it up during one of their sessions. “And intimacy issues.”

“Yeah,” Buck scoffs. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“You use sex as a way to self-harm.”

Buck gapes, eyes wide, frozen in shock. “What—what the fuck?” He sputters when he figures out how to use words again.

“You frequently put yourself in positions of extreme vulnerability with your intimate partners, without a care for your own safety,” Klein says. “Even that first therapist you told me about, Dr. Wells? Another example.”

Buck shakes his head, but Klein continues. “You flirt aggressively. You initiate the physical contact. You set no boundaries with your partners and you put yourself at their mercy.”

“I—I don’t…” Buck’s face flushes hot. 

“It’s dangerous, self-destructive behavior, also falling under the umbrella of hypersexuality. You make a chain of bad decisions that can be considered dubiously consensual, at best.”

“No, no, I don’t do that—” Buck tries to defend himself, but it falls flat and the words just aren’t there. 

“How many times have you sought out dangerous sexual scenarios? How many times have you created them yourself?” Klein asks. “When you were in school? In the years after?” 

“I’m a firefighter,” Buck grits his teeth stubbornly. “Running towards danger is what I do for a living. I _like_ it.”

“You know this is different,” Klein says carefully. “You were young when it started. You felt abandoned by your sister. Alone because of your absent parents. Neglected. And so you sought comfort where you could. Your provocative behavior in your teenage years, your parents probably thought you would grow out of it?”

Buck doesn’t answer. But yes, they did.

“That’s not uncommon,” Klein says, in his silence. “Unfortunately, reality often shows that it gets worse before it gets better.” 

“You make me sound like a whore,” Buck growls.

“That is not my intention. I just want you to see how you use sex to avoid real intimacy. Yet you crave it because you were never shown affection during those formative years when you were going through puberty.” Klein pauses and waits for Buck to speak, and when he doesn’t, he goes on. 

“Somewhere along the way, it morphed into something self-damaging and dangerous. A way for you to have some control in your life. A way to feel something, when you felt numb. And so much of your image, your self-worth, is tied to your sexuality. I’m not talking about _bi-_ sexuality, I’m talking about the dysfunction, your—” 

“Sex addiction,” Buck finishes. It was only ever self-diagnosed. Until now. 

He told Klein once, several sessions ago, about a particularly bad night in college. He was feeling low and had wanted to hear Maddie’s voice. He called his sister. The line rang and rang, and she never picked up. 

He got drunk that night, wasted. Even took a pill from a friend without asking what it was. He didn’t care. He wanted to feel numb and to feel everything all at the same time. Looking back, drugs and alcohol were never his real problem. His mental health was the trigger. 

He woke up the next day, naked and alone, next to a puddle of his own dried vomit. He doesn’t remember what happened. But his body ached and there were bruises on his hips, and that said enough. There were quite a few nights like that.

When he checked his phone, Maddie never even called him back. 

“You slowed down only when it went too far,” Klein says. “Someone you were vulnerable with hurt you. Badly.”

“I told you, I was the asshole,” Buck whispers. “I provoked him, I pushed him—” 

“That doesn’t excuse what he did. And it doesn’t make it your fault.” 

The tears finally spill over and Buck shudders a shaky breath. There’s a terrible ache in his chest and tension in his shoulders from holding it back. 

“It’s okay to let it out,” Klein says encouragingly. “All these years, you kept it inside. You ran away and you tried to forget. But the thing about unresolved trauma is that it will fester. It will come back in your dreams, in your subconscious, it will affect your thoughts and your actions without you even realizing it.” 

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. And then he does it again.

He leaves that session feeling numb. At the very end, Klein looks at him carefully and says that if he feels like hurting himself, he needs to seek help, immediately.

Buck goes home and walks through their empty house like a zombie. He wonders when he had started to think of it as ‘their’ home. He climbs into the bed he shares with Eddie and pulls the covers high up to his neck. He’s cold. Might even be in shock. He lies there for probably less than an hour until Eddie comes home with Christopher. Though it feels like longer. 

The door creaks open. Eddie sees him buried beneath the covers and immediately knows it was a bad session. 

He makes sure Christopher is alright by himself in the living room before closing the door, leaving it just barely cracked, in case his son needs them. He pulls back the covers and slowly climbs into their bed. He waits for a sound, a protest, acknowledgment, anything—and when nothing comes, he slides closer, wraps his arm around Buck’s waist, hesitant and unsure, just waiting for Buck to push him away. 

But instead, Buck turns towards him, buries his face in Eddie’s neck, and tugs him close by his shirt. Not a second later, he breaks down, shaking and crying hot, wet tears. 

Eddie holds him, at a loss for words. He feels helpless, as the tears soak through the thin material of his shirt. Every torturous sob stabs into his heart like a tiny dagger. Buck is in pain and there is nothing that Eddie can do to stop it. 

He holds him close to his chest, holds him as low deep sobs wrack the other man’s frame. He wraps his arms around him tight, and he tells him he’s not going anywhere. Eddie tells him he loves him. Over and over, he says the words. 

Until finally, Buck starts to believe it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Buck. Only two more chapters left to go. Comments are a writer's best friend :)
> 
> Btw can anyone tell me if Eddito is like a nick-name or something for Edmundo? Google is no help lol.


	7. Chapter 7

_“Whatever you need, Buck. I’m here for you. I promise.”_

This is what Eddie had said. And Buck holds those words in his head in the weeks after his breakdown. True to his word, Eddie is there for him. By this point, Buck pretty much lives at Eddie’s house. Their roles are defined and yet unspoken. He cooks and Eddie does the dishes. They alternate who gets to tuck Christopher into bed each night. Christopher has even started asking Buck for homework help instead of his dad. 

It’s nice and domestic. It gets less overbearing over time.

Sometimes, Buck has bad days. It could be related to a call that doesn’t go their way. When they lose someone and Buck blames himself, even though it wasn’t his fault. Or when his leg gives him trouble and he ends up icing it for hours after a bad shift, his mood growing worse alongside the pain. Or sometimes for no reason at all.

When this happens, he’ll sulk in bed or on the couch for hours. Eddie tries to get him up, tries to get him to eat something, or go outside. Or play with Christopher. 

When it’s really bad, Buck lashes out. He says terrible things that he doesn’t mean. Harsh words to push Eddie away and get him to realize that he doesn’t actually want to be here. He waits for Eddie to yell back, to kick him out, or maybe, to strike him. But Eddie doesn’t do any of those things. He sticks stubbornly close, standing his ground and not even letting the hurt show on his face. 

Buck kind of loves him for that. 

He’s just coming out of one these lows and feeling more like himself when he catches Eddie hovering again. 

“Damnit Eddie, relax,” Buck huffs, exasperated. “I’m not going to kill myself.”

They both freeze, registering his words like ice water had been thrown on them. Buck hadn’t meant to say that. Of course not, he just wasn’t thinking and it came out. 

“Buck,” Eddie says, his voice soft. Scared.

“Sorry,” Buck manages, his voice cracked and strained. “I’m sorry. I—I don’t know why I said that. I was joking.”

“That’s not funny.”

Eddie’s voice is so pained and Buck suddenly feels like a dick. “I’m sorry,” he whispers again. “I swear, I swear to you, I’m not—” He breaks off and bows his head. He swallows the lump in his throat, unsure of how to continue. “I was never _that,”_ he says helplessly.

Eddie carefully sits down next to him. He knows that Buck is the one suffering. He’s hurting, and struggling to get better _._ But everything over the last two months has snowballed and when he finally stops to take a breath, he realizes that he’s exhausted. The difference being that this time, he doesn't want to lash out in anger. 

“Buck, I’m scared,” Eddie admits. He remembers, a long time ago when Buck told him that he had overdosed once when he was younger. It was an accident. But Eddie always wonders about all the things left unsaid. 

Buck looks up, eyes wide and glittering, and it’s all that Eddie can do not to embrace him and never let go. 

“I’m scared you’re not okay,” Eddie whispers. “I mean, I know that you’re not.” He closes his eyes. “But… you're getting the help that you need and that’s a good thing. And I should be happy and you keep telling me that Dr. Klein is good for you and I want to believe it but… I’m so scared that I’m going to lose you.” 

“You’re not going to lose me,” Buck says softly. “I’m right here, I’m…” He takes a shaky breath and lets his head fall back. His sessions with Dr. Klein have been getting better. He leaves each one feeling just a little bit lighter. And one day, he might even be able to put it all behind him, in a healthy way. 

Eventually, he wants to tell Eddie everything. But he’s just not there yet. 

“I feel like such a basket case sometimes,” Buck says dryly. “Like what the hell are you doing with a mess like me?”

Eddie glares at him. “Don’t say that,” he growls. “You’re not a basket case—”

“Except that I am,” Buck’s voice is wry and humorless. “I’m fucked up. My head is a mess. Half the time, I can’t decide if I want you to fuck me in half or run screaming in the other direction.” He sighs when he sees the devastated expression on Eddie’s face. The misplaced guilt. 

“You’re a good boyfriend, Eddie,” Buck says softly. “Like really good. And… well, it turns out that good boyfriends make me weird. I’m still working through my issues. And I’m just really sorry you have to deal with me until then.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Eddie says with a frown. “And are you saying you want me to be an asshole boyfriend?”

“No,” Buck chuckles. “God no.”

“Good,” Eddie mutters, playing with a seam on his pants. “Because I like being a good boyfriend.”

Buck scoots closer on the couch and laces their fingers together. He rests his head on Eddie’s shoulder and they just enjoy each other’s presence for a little bit. 

It gets better after that. 

They don’t have sex. 

Buck is good to do pretty much everything else. Blowjobs, handjobs… rimjobs. He’ll let Eddie ram his tongue into his ass until he’s a trembling, incoherent pile of limbs, but they don’t fuck. 

Sometimes he thinks about how he liked it when guys held him down. He liked it when girls would dig their fingernails in, scraping his back bloody as they fucked. He liked it when his partners were rough and violent and unkind. He’s trying to make sure he doesn’t like those things anymore, before he lets himself be intimate like that with Eddie. 

If he fell into that mind space again… he just couldn’t do that to Eddie. 

He talks to Dr. Klein about how patient Eddie has been. How kind and loving and attentive he is. 

Buck’s been making progress. Yet sometimes his heart rate still skyrockets during their sessions, and he shifts uncomfortably under the other man’s gaze. 

“I keep waiting for him to leave,” Buck admits. “I keep waiting for him to say that I’m exhausting, that I’m selfish and so mentally fucked up that he can’t put up with me anymore.”

“You use that word a lot,” Klein tells him. “Exhausting.”

Buck flushes red and bows his head, remembering. “He said it once.”

“I know,” Klein says gently. “You’ve told me.”

Buck sighs heavily and closes his eyes. 

It’s a long day. Longer for Eddie who’s working a shift at the station. By the time Eddie comes home, Christopher is tucked into bed and Buck is in the living room watching television, volume turned down almost to zero. He’s not really paying attention anyway. 

“Hey,” Buck greets him softly, and he leans up for the kiss that Eddie plants on his lips. 

“Christopher in bed?”

Buck nods and Eddie drops onto the couch next to him, exhausted after a long shift. 

“Day okay?” Buck asks.

“Yeah, nothing too bad, mostly medical. No disasters,” Eddie says with a grin. “How was your day off?”

“Session with Klein was pretty good. Appointment with the leg doc…” Buck grimaces and looks down at where his left leg lies elevated on the ottoman. “Not so great.”

Concern washes over Eddie’s face and he shifts to properly face him. “What’s going on?”

“I have to get another surgery,” Buck says, his voice low. 

“Shit,” Eddie curses. He was hoping they could avoid this. Buck’s leg had been bothering him for weeks and they dreaded that it wouldn’t go away on its own.

“Yeah, the screws are killing me,” Buck laments. “X-ray shows that there’s inflammation. Doc thinks it would be best to take them out, or who knows, it could get worse.”

Eddie hesitates, worried. “Is your leg going to be okay?”

Buck shrugs. “It healed well from the crush. The rest should heal fine after the screws come out. Of course, we still have the clots to worry about…”

“You’re going to be fine,” Eddie says firmly, taking his hand in his own. “You’ve survived more than most people in two lifetimes. You’ll be back on your feet in no time.”

A small grin tugs at the corner of Buck’s lips. “You ready to wait on me hand and foot again?”

“I am absolutely ready to bring you terribly cooked meals in bed and give you bubble baths,” Eddie says, deadpan.

Buck laughs and they lean in for a soft kiss. 

“Aren’t you glad you moved in?” Eddie whispers against his lips. “It'll be just like old times—”

Buck slowly pulls back and Eddie seems to realize the mistake he made. But Buck’s grin grows wider as Eddie stumbles. “I mean, not that you’ve moved in, I—I know we never made that official or anything, but you’re here all the time and I think of this as your home and Chris love you—” 

“Eddie,” Buck gently cuts off the other man’s rambling. “Maybe it’s time that I look into how to break my lease agreement.”

Eddie responds with a grin, a little embarrassed, but mostly just happy that Buck is here with him. 

“Can I ask you something?” Buck says softly, a bit more serious.

“Of course,” Eddie mumbles, closing his eyes as he rests his head against the couch. The day’s work is catching up to him. 

“I know this is probably a terrible time because you’re exhausted, but I want to be honest with you about what I’m feeling.” Eddie tenses next to him as Buck continues. “Eddie, you’ve been amazing these last few months. I know I can be a lot sometimes. And sometimes my bad days are _really_ bad, and you just… you’re just there for me. And it is _so_ great and I appreciate it so much.” He bites his lip and pauses. “But I…” 

Buck’s voice trails off and Eddie panics. He places a hand on Buck’s bicep and squeezes until the other man looks up. “But you what?”

“I’m just wondering why you haven’t gotten tired of me yet.”

Eddie’s expression softens. His brow furrows in confusion. “I could never get tired of you,” he says gently. “Buck, I love you.”

Buck grins wryly and rubs a hand over his eyes. “I know,” he says tiredly. “I know, Eddie. And I love you too.” He sighs heavily and sniffs. “I feel so dumb sometimes. I know you love me, but it’s like, sometimes my brain doesn’t want to believe it.”

“You’ll still tell me when it gets bad, right?” Eddie asks softly. “Please don’t try to hide it from me, Buck.”

Buck nods and closes his eyes briefly. “Um… do you uh—do you remember when we weren’t speaking because of the lawsuit?” He waits for Eddie to nod before he continues. He bites his bottom lip nervously. “I know you probably didn’t mean it, but I can’t stop thinking about this thing you said. Like, I know it’s so stupid… but sometimes when it’s bad, my broken brain just plays the words over and over and over again…” 

An ashen expression has taken over Eddie’s face. But Buck never meant to make him feel bad. He says quickly, “I’m not mad, I just—”

“What did I say?” Eddie whispers, cutting him off. “I… I can’t even remember, Buck.” His breath hitches, as his mind envisions the worst. He was so mad at the time, mad at Buck for the lawsuit, mad at Sharon for dying, and mad at himself for feeling like he let down his son _again._

He said terrible things to Buck, he’s sure of it. And fuck, he never even apologized for it. 

“You said that I was exhausting,” Buck says quietly. “And I don’t blame you, I know that I’m a lot. I know that I make it all about me and my problems and I’m still trying to get over my fucking damage—” 

“Stop. Please stop,” Eddie cuts him off. He closes his eyes, unable to listen to any more.

Buck shuts his mouth and drops his gaze to his hands in his lap. 

The memory hits Eddie like a punch to the gut. He winces as his mind replays it in his head. He remembers now, those awful words that he said.

_“You’re exhausting. We all have our own problems but you don’t see us whining about it. Somehow, we just manage to suck it up. Why can’t you?”_

His chest aches as shame and revulsion permeate through every fiber of his being. He had accused Buck of not being able to see anyone’s side but his own. Yet he was guilty of the same exact thing. He wasn’t thinking about how Buck felt during this time—cut off from his family, alone and unable to do a damn thing about it. His words were insensitive at best. Hurtful and damaging at worst. 

“I am so sorry,” Eddie whispers, the words getting choked in his throat. “I didn't mean it. And I never meant to hurt you like that, Buck.” 

“It’s okay,” Buck says lightly, reaching for his arm. “It’s all in the past—” 

“But it’s not! I feel like such an asshole,” Eddie murmurs. He turns to look at the younger man. “Have you been carrying this with you all this time? All these months?” The reluctant but sorrowful expression on the other man’s face says it all. “Buck, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Buck says genuinely. “I should have said something sooner, and not kept it inside all this time. I hate that I let it affect me so much. I didn’t even realize it, but Dr. Klein made it pretty clear that I’m still hanging on. And it’s such a silly thing to—” 

“No,” Eddie says harshly. “Don’t ever think that again. I don’t want you to keep things from me, Buck. Especially something like this. I—I should have apologized a long time ago. There was just so much going on at the time, and then… when we were good again, it was just easier to pretend like nothing had ever happened.” 

“I get it,” Buck says quietly.

But Eddie’s not done yet. “I need you to know that you and Christopher are the most important things in my life,” he says carefully. “I was hurting, and I was mad. I was mad at you for getting hurt, and for not taking it easy. You were putting your own life at risk and I—I can’t lose you, Buck. Christopher can’t lose you. I know I’m not great at expressing how I feel. But… I’m trying to work on it.”

A small smile tugs at Buck’s lips. “You’re getting better,” he says lightly.

“I don’t ever want to hurt you again, Buck.”

Buck nods, feeling like another tiny weight had been lifted off his chest. Dr. Klein was right. He was so afraid of being honest with Eddie because he thought for sure the other man would think his fears and concerns were silly. Case in point, he might have been projecting a bit. 

“Sometimes… it feels like you look at me differently,” Buck says quietly. “Like… maybe you think that I’m weak or broken, or maybe you just feel sorry for me. And I think maybe that’s why you let me stick around so long—” 

“That’s not—”

“I know you don’t actually feel this way.” Buck laughs, kind of dry because it’s not really funny. “I don’t know, it just feels like you look at me differently than before.” 

“Of course, I’m looking at you differently!” Eddie says slowly, his voice heated and intense. “Buck, I love you. I am _in_ love with you. And I didn’t know that until I saw someone hurt you, and it smacked me in the face harder than I ever imagined possible.”

Buck kind of stares in shocked silence. He expects Eddie to blush or look embarrassed from his confession. But instead, the other man reaches for his hand, and with the other, he rests a warm palm against Buck’s cheek as he pulls them closer, pressing their lips together. 

The kiss is gentle and sweet. It sends butterflies fluttering in Buck’s stomach and he thinks Eddie’s lips might taste like love or something. 

“I am so proud of you for what you’re doing,” Eddie whispers, his breath warm against his lips. “You are brave and strong and you’re going to get through this. And I’ll be right here by your side the entire time.” 

Buck grins, despite the annoying tears that are prickling in his eyes.

“Thank you,” he murmurs softly. “Thank you for being here. And thank you for staying. Honestly, before all this happened, I… I don’t think I realize how fucked up I really was.” He shrugs his shoulders and remembers feeling weak and broken. It was a dark, difficult time. Instead of getting help, he ran away. Repressed all the trauma, and tried to make a fresh start by reaching his peak physical condition and burying his past behind him. 

Trying out for the SEALs was a part of that. He didn’t really know who he was without the loneliness and the damage. He’s still trying to figure it out. But therapy has been helping with that. Eddie's been helping too.

“I just thought I was me, you know…” Buck laments with a wry grin. “Strong, invincible hero who runs into burning buildings to save the day.” 

“Maybe not invincible,” Eddie says with a smile. “But the other things, you are.” He pauses, thinking, and then admits, “I hate it when you say that you’re messed up.”

Buck blinks, and then lifts his eyes, watching the other man carefully. “You don’t think that I am?” He’s not accusatory, just… curious.

Not too long ago, he felt sick and numb each time Eddie looked at him with adoration in his eyes. When the touches were tender and loving, Buck felt like he was drowning. He wanted to scream and cry and never stop until the darkness inside of him was out. 

Dr. Klein explained it as an effect of taking away his coping mechanisms. The outlet for his depressive thoughts was gone. His skin itched and sometimes it felt like every vein in his body was screaming to be released. Other times he felt so numb, he could barely function. 

He learns that for him, sex was always about control. Being in control over his life, his body, and his emotions. Pushing aside the fear that people will leave him by being the one to push them away. Sometimes destructively. Sometimes violently. 

Once he was able to admit to himself that his behavior was so self-damaging, he felt shame. He felt sick and disgusted. Dr. Klein reminds him frequently that being kind to himself is the first step to recovery. 

Buck is trying. 

Eddie watches him carefully. “I think you’re Buck,” he finally says. “I think that I love you. And I’ll take you however you are. In any way that I can.”

“You promise?” Buck asks lightly.

“Damn right, I do.”

Sometimes it’s hard for him to believe that Eddie wants him so genuinely, that he loves him for all his faults and wants to share this wonderful little family with him. But it gets easier with time. And as Buck makes progress, opening himself up to the _idea_ of being loved, he believes more and more that he deserves it.

“Are you upset that I haven’t told you?” Buck asks quietly.

Eddie stills. They both know what he means. He’d be lying if he said that it didn’t bother him, not knowing. He thinks about it all the time, wondering the worst. But it’s not his trauma, and it’s not like Buck pries for war stories from him. He knows that Buck will tell him when he’s ready. And it has to be on Buck’s terms. 

Slowly, Eddie shakes his head. “I don’t need to know,” he says honestly. “Whenever you’re ready, I’m here for you. And if it turns out that you’re never ready, well…” He shrugs his shoulders. “I’ll still be here.”

Buck feels his eyes prick and he bows his head, trying to keep the tears at bay. He quickly loses that fight and they spill over anyway. “Thank you,” he says, choked. He wipes the wet tears away and takes a slow, shuddered breath. “I um… I have a lot of issues with… sex and consent and… sometimes my mind just isn’t in the right place when it comes to these things. I just… I just need to make sure I’m not like that with you, before we can… you know.”

Eddie nods and swallows painfully. He knew it was something along those lines. He was terrified of it, really. Because he remembers the marks he used to leave on Buck’s skin. Those tender bruises that blossomed purple and pink. He remembers being rough. Sometimes not even caring if he hurt him because Buck made sounds like he liked it and begged him for more. 

His voice is hoarse and cracked when he speaks. “I hurt you,” he says, his voice trembling. 

Buck pauses, his blue eyes glittering. Silence permeates through the room before Buck speaks. “I liked it,” is what he finally says. 

Eddie closes his eyes, pained, and Buck pulls him into his arms. Eddie goes with it. He presses his face into the other man’s neck, enveloped in his strong embrace. 

“I liked it when you touched me,” Buck says softly, into Eddie’s hair. “I still do.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Eddie says weakly, his voice muffled. His face is pressed into Buck’s skin as the other man holds him close. 

Buck nods but doesn’t speak. 

“Please,” Eddie whispers. His hands are death-gripped around Buck’s arms, afraid to let go. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Buck closes his eyes and draws a slow, deep breath. He listens to the other man’s broken voice, _pained_ , and he hears it for what it is. 

An apology.

But Buck never blamed Eddie for how they were before. He never hated him for any of it, quite the opposite. 

Sometimes he finds himself still yearning for that sort of intimacy. The brutal rawness of it, the rough touches and sharp pains that leave him gasping and crying. And other times, he yearns for a different type of intimacy. Eddie’s fond glances, the warm touch of his arm around his shoulder, or the smile he gives when he sees Buck being paternal with his son. 

Buck knows he still has a lot to work on. But he also knows that he has people who are willing to stick by his side, helping him through it.

* * *

The next day, Buck tells Bobby that in a week or so, he’s going to be out of commission for a while. 

“Another surgery?” Bobby’s expression is clearly worried. The crease between his brows grows deeper as he frowns. 

Buck nods and pulls an exasperated face. “They said the procedure is actually pretty minimally invasive. Outpatient, so I’ll be going home the same day. Should be back on my feet after about a week.”

“I see,” Bobby relaxes a bit, but still not liking the fact that Buck's leg needs a third operation. “Should I be expecting you back to work in a week and a day then?” He asks lightly, fully prepared to fight the younger man about it. 

Buck hesitates, and then a small grin breaks on his face. “Actually Cap, I was… thinking about taking a few weeks off.”

Bobby’s eyebrows nearly disappear into his hairline. “Really?” He’s shocked but not unpleased. 

He knows that Buck is going through some personal stuff. He’s mostly kept the details to himself and Bobby is not one to pry. But he does hope that he’s made it clear to Buck that he’s there for him, no matter what he needs. 

Bobby tilts his head to the side in question. “I’m surprised to hear that.” 

“Yeah, I think I just need to take some time,” Buck says with a nod of his head. “I know you’ve been worried about me lately, Cap.” The other man scoffs at the understatement. Buck laughs too, and the air is light between them. “As much as I’m going to miss being at work, I got to take care of myself first. Make sure I’m in the best physical and mental condition to be back.” 

He blushes red when he sees Bobby watching him, a mixture of awe and fondness on his face. 

“There’s no shame in taking some time off,” Bobby says quietly. “I’m really proud of you, Buck.” 

“Thanks, Cap,” Buck grins and looks down at his feet. “You know, last time I was gone… all I cared about was being back here, with you guys. You’re my family. You all mean the world to me, and not being here just felt like… like I wasn’t even me anymore.” He shakes his head when he sees the protest on Bobby’s face. “You were right, you know. I… I wasn’t thinking about myself or my own safety. And until recently, it never really occurred to me to think about why.”

Bobby gives a slow nod, a little relieved, but mostly curious. “You know I’m always here for you, if you need to talk.”

“I know, Bobby. You’re always there for me, even when I’m a lot to handle. Thank you,” Buck says genuinely. “I really appreciate it.”

Bobby grins and claps him on the shoulder. “Should I be worried?” He asks jokingly. “When did you get so mature?”

Buck laughs and shakes his head. He’s trying to be better. He thinks he’s getting there. “I’ve had some help,” he says softly. And after a moment, he adds avidly, “On the bright side, I am officially off the blood thinners!”

Bobby raises an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Yup, for the surgery.”

“It’s always something with you, kid.”

Buck laughs. “Don’t I know it.”

Bobby’s expression grows more somber as he watches him. Buck notices after a while and he stills, not sure what to make of the look that Bobby is giving him. “What is it?” He asks quietly. 

Bobby blinks, as if suddenly aware that he had been staring. “Nothing,” he says quickly. “I… I’m sorry, it’s nothing.”

“Tell me,” Buck insists.

Bobby pauses, and wonders if it’s appropriate to lay his own fears and shortcomings onto another firefighter under his command. And then he thinks to himself _screw it_ , Buck isn’t just another firefighter to him. 

“I think… at the time, I felt a lot of guilt over what happened to you. And maybe that’s why I acted the way that I did, thinking you weren’t ready to come back, even though you had proved that you were," Bobby admits. "It was… unprofessional of me.”

“Guilt? Bobby, what are you talking about?”

“You almost died, Buck. Twice. Because of me.”

Buck scoffs and frowns. “It wasn’t because of you. Some sick kid left a bomb on a firetruck—”

“He left the bomb because of me. Because he was trying to hurt me,” Bobby says forcefully. “And instead, you were there.” He sighs and rubs a hand over his face. “I mean, you could have died, Buck. It could have ended your career. And now, almost a year later, here you are, still struggling with it.” 

“It wasn’t your fault, Bobby,” Buck says quietly. “I never blamed you.”

“I know,” Bobby says softly, with a nod of his head. He’s grateful. “But it doesn’t stop me from feeling bad about it.”

Buck gives him a small grin, realizing again how lucky he is to have Bobby in his life. Over time, the other man has become a pseudo-father figure to him, filling that empty space in his life that he hadn’t wanted to admit was there. Knowing that Bobby cares and that he’s there for him, it means everything in the world.

“I’ll be back before you know it, Cap.” Buck gives him a wide smile. “And uh… you know what might help with the healing process? If you could get Athena to make me some of that bacon corn chowder that I love so much.”

Bobby laughs. “You can count on it. We’ll be there every chance we get,” he promises. “You just focus on getting better.”

Buck nods and grins. That sounds like something he can do.


	8. Chapter 8

As predicted by his doctor, Buck was able to walk on his leg without any pain or discomfort just a week after the surgery. 

“This is amazing,” Buck’s excited voice rings out as he pulls his foot back using an elastic exercise strap. With his leg locked straight, the stretch burns in his calf without any pain from the incision sites or the familiar throbbing in his lower leg.

“Better than before?” Eddie's voice is hopeful from his spot on the couch, as he watches Buck on the floor. 

“It’s night and day, man. The pain is gone. There’s no stiffness, no soreness.” Buck grins widely, thinking for a second how ridiculous it is to be so happy that surgery number three finally was the charm. “Fuck it, I’m going to the gym tomorrow.”

“Sure you don’t want to wait until I can come with you?”

“Eddie, you have a shift every day this week,” Buck snorts and shakes his head. “I told you those car payments would catch up to you. I’ll be fine. When have you ever known me to need help at the gym—” 

Buck trails off because he looks up and Eddie is just _looking_ at him. And the expression on his face is pure love and adoration, and it’s so unbelievably _soft_ that whatever Buck had meant to say it all just… falls away. Buck closes his mouth and blinks. Eddie doesn’t stop looking at him like that until finally Buck blushes and drops the eye contact, the flush painting his cheeks pink. 

Eddie leans forward until he drops off the couch onto his knees. With slow movements, he sort of kneel-crawls forward to close the few feet of space between them. 

Eddie kisses him softly, a warm hand cupped against Buck’s cheek, and Buck leans into the touch, close enough to feel his body heat. They kiss sweetly until they’re both a little out of breath. Eddie starts to pull away when Buck wraps a hand around his wrist to stop him. The kiss grows harder, more insistent and Eddie moans in relief, pulling Buck closer against him. 

They’re both panting by the time they finally pull apart. Buck looks into Eddie’s eyes and sees his pupils blown with lust. 

Buck bites his bottom lip, hesitant, and yet there’s a sharp look in his eyes. “What time do we have to pick up Chris from Leo’s house?”

“Not for at least another hour.”

“Bedroom. Now.”

Eddie doesn’t need to be told twice. He’s on his feet in seconds and Buck is quick to follow. And then the younger man pauses, considers, and a moment later, he grabs the exercise strap from the carpet. With a smirk on his face, he makes his way to their bedroom. 

Lately, Buck’s eager to explore various other facets of their sex life. Just because Buck wants to avoid penetrative sex doesn’t mean he’s not up to do other stuff. So they’re branching out a bit and trying things they hadn’t done before. More so for Eddie than Buck. Because Buck has had way more sex, with way more partners, men and women.

And so he finds himself wanting to discover _with_ Eddie, things that they like together. 

Eddie’s sexual history before Buck is the furthest thing from kinky. He was almost embarrassed to admit that the most sexually adventurous thing he’d done with Shannon was a handjob in a car. He emphasized that it was in broad daylight when Buck laughed. 

They both like sex toys. Eddie isn’t sure about it at first when Buck reveals the butt plug. But then, seeing the other man fall apart, stretched and trembling as Eddie sucks his brain out through his cock—that changes his mind. And when it’s his turn, it turns out Eddie is pretty partial to it as well. 

They _don’t_ like to sixty-nine. Eddie finds that out the hard way when Buck accidentally knees him in the forehead. Darn freakin’ long legs. 

Buck really gets off on being watched. One night, he makes Eddie sit in a chair he had placed in the corner of their bedroom, fully clothed. While Buck lies naked on top of their sheets and touches himself. He jerks his cock with long, hard strokes, bites his bottom lip, and looks at the other man under hooded eyes. Eddie’s gaze is dark, lustful, and it’s painfully obvious that his dick is straining in his jeans. His hands ache from how hard they’re clenched in his lap, but he knows he can’t touch. He didn’t think watching someone jerk off could be this hot. But this is Buck. Everything he does is hot. And when Buck finally comes, staring at Eddie while he does so, and Eddie is finally allowed to join him on the bed, throwing off his clothes as he goes, he thinks that this is definitely worth the wait. 

Eddie thoroughly enjoys shower sex, like _a lot_. The tiles are slippery and Buck complains about gross mildew and water makes the absolute _worst_ lubricant, but there’s just something about the hot water rushing over them and seeing Buck’s gorgeous, wet body that has him harder than ever. He likes to kiss Buck under the showerhead, pressing him against the wet tiles. He squeezes a firm buttcheek and jerks them both off while Buck moans hot, heavy sounds into his mouth.

Buck hates role play. He has a hard enough time _staying_ in his own head. Any type of roleplay just makes him cringe. This kink, he doesn’t bring up with Eddie. 

Edging and bondage though, this one he’s sure they both like. They only have an hour, but Buck is going to make it the best and most torturous hour of Eddie’s life. 

Afterward, Eddie lies limbless, eyes closed, still trying to figure out how to properly draw air into his aching lungs. Buck unties him and tosses the exercise strap to the ground. Propped up on his hands and knees, he watches the other man for a moment, thinking how much he loves him. And then Buck’s kissing him, pressing his tongue into his mouth, tasting him and fuck—he’s still hard because he was so focused on Eddie’s body that he still hasn’t come yet. 

He takes himself in his hand, presses their bodies together and the _friction,_ it’s messy and a bit frantic. Eddie’s found enough of his head to kiss him back and his fingers find themselves on Buck’s hips, pulling him down, closer, _encouraging_ him to come— 

And Buck does. He spills himself all over Eddie, gasping heavily. Eddie kisses him through his orgasm and into the afterglow. 

“That was… that was good,” Buck pants, falling to his side. His hands are wet with spunk and he wipes the mess on the comforter. 

“Your turn to do the laundry,” Eddie drawls. And he looks so good that Buck kind of wants to get on his knees again and put his cock in his mouth. Or maybe smear lube all over his dick and climb on top to ride him. Like they literally _just_ came and Buck already wants to do it again. 

Instead, Buck asks, “Your wrists hurt?”

Eddie shakes his head, rolling both wrists carefully. “Not at all.” He turns his head to glance at him, grinning ear to ear. “I could definitely be down for that again.”

Buck laces their fingers together and smiles. 

* * *

While Eddie’s working back to back shifts, Maddie helps Buck pack up what little remains in his apartment into boxes. Everything else he plans on trashing or donating. Not enough room in Eddie's house anyway.

She asks about the leg and the surgery and the therapy. She has so much to worry about when it comes to her little brother. But she wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s missed enough. And Maddie swore to herself that no matter how bad things get, _especially_ when they’re bad, that she’ll never abandon him again. 

Buck tells her he’s okay. And he thinks that he really is. 

He talks a little about his therapy sessions with Klein, just things that he’s comfortable sharing with her. And while he’s made a lot of progress, he admits that he’s been feeling a little angry with himself. 

Buck can see that his trauma isn’t his fault, but sometimes it’s still hard to wrap his head around not taking the blame. Especially when he didn’t even realize what he was doing. When his _modus operandi_ was to go looking for it. He knows now how the events early in his life have affected him. He knows he has abandonment issues and intimacy issues that he still needs to work on. He knows the dangerous behaviors in himself to look out for. And he knows that repressing the trauma doesn’t make it go away.

He has a strong support system to lean on—Eddie, Maddie, Bobby, Athena, and everyone at the 118. But it still feels like there’s a piece missing to close the loop. 

Klein suggests giving his parents a call, and maybe having a conversation beyond ‘how are you’ or ‘how’s the vacation house this year’. Or perhaps sharing some of the things they’ve talked about with Eddie. Buck doesn’t feel ready to do either. 

“It seems like you and Eddie are doing really well,” Maddie comments. “I mean, moving in together is a pretty big step,” she says as she packs dishware into a box. 

“Officially, yeah.” Buck grins. “But we’ve pretty much been living together for months.” 

“You seem healthy.”

The somber tone of her voice has Buck glancing up. His expression falls when he sees the sadness on his sister’s face, the tears that are building and threatening to fall. “Maddie, what are you—”

“I’m sorry.” Her voice cracks and she shakes her head, looking embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be bringing you down like this. I am so happy for you guys. I think of the world of Eddie and I am so happy for you.”

“So why are you crying?” Buck asks softly.

“I’m so glad he’s good for you,” Maddie says with a shaky breath. “It’s just… there’s this part of me that feels like I have so much to make up for. With us.”

Understanding dawns on him. “Maddie…”

“I made mistakes,” she admits, wiping away a tear. “I was supposed to look out for you and I promised that I would stay in your life and… each time I saw you it was like, you got further and further away from the sweet, innocent kid that I knew and raised.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Buck says quietly. “You had your own life, and your own problems.”

“We’re family,” Maddie says firmly. “I should have put you first. I shouldn’t have left.”

Buck reaches over and takes Maddie’s hand in his own. He gives her the best smile he can muster. “You’re here now,” he says, his voice steady. “And that’s all that matters to me.”

Maddie sniffs and grins softly in return. She says to him, “We’re going to be okay.”

Buck nods. He thinks so too. 

She squeezes his hand. Finally, she says, “That anger you feel? Directed towards yourself? I felt that too. With Doug, and after Doug…” She takes another shuddered breath, remembering. “When I finally allowed myself to be free of him, when I _forgave_ myself for surviving, for living without him… a lot of that anger went away.” 

Buck’s still waiting. He’s still working on loving himself and forgiving himself and there are days when it’s easier. When he looks at Eddie and Christopher and feels genuine happiness, like he’s made progress. And then there are other days when the darkness gets overwhelming and it feels like he can’t breathe. Klein told him his personal line is always available for those days. 

“I guess I’m still working on it,” Buck says quietly. He can admit that he’s still a little fucked up. But he’s also gotten to the point where he thinks one day, he won’t be. 

* * *

The revelation happens when Buck realizes he’s stopped looking for reasons to push Eddie away. He’s stopped looking for signs that Eddie will leave. And they truly have become a little family unit. The thing that he’s most grateful for is that Christopher takes it all in stride. 

Now that he knows Buck and his dad are together, the sweet kid demands even more attention from Buck. Which is truly nothing but a blessing. Buck would do anything for this kid. 

When Buck looks at his little ‘family’ it feels like real intimacy. Like what he sees in Chim and his sister, what Bobby and Athena have, what Hen is talking about whenever she talks about Karen and Denny. Buck thinks it’s everything he’s ever wanted. 

Buck and Eddie have these tender moments when they hold each other in bed, long limbs entangled. After they’ve come and Buck lies back, brushing his own sweat-soaked hair from his forehead, and Eddie is somewhere by his legs where he can’t see. Almost tenderly, Eddie rubs the limb, thinking that there must be a cramp or maybe just general soreness. Buck smiles to himself and doesn’t say that his leg feels fine. That it hasn’t bothered him since the recent surgery. Not even a twinge. 

Because he likes seeing this side of Eddie. 

Eddie runs a finger over the still fading surgical scars. Four tiny incisions no wider than half an inch where the screws came out. 

“Still good?” He asks.

Buck grins. “Still good,” he answers. 

One of these times, Eddie confesses that he held a lot of anger and resentment in the wake of the lawsuit. He was mad at Buck, he was mad at the situation, the world, but mostly he was angry at himself. And he didn’t deal with that very well.

“Obviously,” Buck scoffs. 

“I think maybe I was still mad at you,” Eddie says softly. “Even after we made up and I said that I forgave you, I think—I think a part of me was still pissed at what you did. It felt like you walked out on me, on Christopher. And… I know that I shouldn’t have expected so much from you. You’re not Shannon. You and I weren’t even together at the time—”

“Eddie, no.” Buck cuts him off with a firm shake of his head. “You were right, I wasn’t thinking about us. I wasn’t thinking about what the lawsuit could _do_ to us. And…” He sighs softly. “I’m not sorry for the lawsuit. I still think I was right to do it. But I am sorry about how it happened. I should have come clean to you. I should have let you know, and not just left you guys in the dark like that when you needed me.” 

Eddie takes a breath and nods. He’s a little relieved. But he still hates that sometimes, talking about his feelings is as difficult as pulling teeth. “I should have been honest with you too,” he says softly. “I’m not good with words. But I’m trying, and I want you to know that _I_ know, that I’ve acted like an asshole in the past. And I’m trying to be better.”

“I’m trying to be better too,” Buck says quietly. 

And it’s nice that they both have issues that they can work on together. It makes Buck feel a little less broken.

* * *

Sometimes, Buck wonders if he’s a masochist. And what kind of person gets off on their own pain?

“Does it hurt?” Eddie asks, as his eyes drop to Buck’s throat. And what he’s really asking is, _did I hurt you?_

Buck aches in his jaw, a little in his throat. And maybe he was a bit enthusiastic with the blow job but Eddie certainly wasn’t complaining about it. 

“No,” Buck answers honestly, with a shake of his head. 

Eddie bites his bottom lip. “I want to finger bang you,” he says frankly. 

Buck barks a laugh at his bluntness. He smirks and raises a brow. And he gives Eddie a look that says, _give me your best shot._

So Eddie digs his hands under Buck’s knees, raises them up to give him better access. He spits a hefty glob of saliva onto his fingers, and pushes in swiftly with a single digit. Buck immediately moans at the intrusion. Eddie fucks him like that for just a few thrusts, and then adds a second finger. He works them expertly until he’s just rubbing against Buck’s prostate, slow, steady, and unrelenting. 

“Oh, _fuck,”_ Buck gasps. He muffles his mouth with one hand, and drops the other down to jerk his cock. He keeps to the rhythm of Eddie’s fingers, throws his head back and bites his bottom lip so he doesn’t cry out. And soon the feeling is too much, he’s jerking and trembling and he comes, feeling Eddie inside him and all around him. 

* * *

There are still times when Buck gets lost in his own head. And he remembers. 

How he liked to fuck around with guys that were assholes. Guys who got possessive and had abusive tendencies. Guys who got a little obsessed. 

Maybe he did it because he liked the attention. Or maybe, on some really fucked up level, the attention _felt_ like love and intimacy and all those good things he wanted but never really had. 

Buck was an asshole then too. He _liked_ to fuck around. He flirted and he was unfaithful. He said things to rile them up. And then broke up with them when they got either too clingy or too dangerous. 

This one time, his on-and-off-again hook up got pissed at him. He didn’t like what he was hearing, because Buck was acting like a bitch, and so he punched him. His fist struck right across Buck’s temple and for a moment he saw white. And when he was down, the guy wrapped a heavy hand around his throat, squeezed tight until Buck was on the brink of consciousness. His limbs grew numb from the lack of oxygen to his brain and he nearly passed out. 

And then the guy took what he wanted. He didn’t stop when Buck cried. 

So Buck disconnected. When he came to, he was alone. And he _ached_. 

The most surprising thing was that two days later Buck got a call from this ex. 

He called and apologized. And he actually sounded genuine, regretful, and a little scared maybe. He probably thought Buck might press charges. He would have been right to. The guy said that he got lost in the heat of the moment and ‘might have’ took things too far. Buck still had the bruises around his throat to show for it. 

That night Buck overdosed. 

He hadn’t meant to. He just wanted to feel numb and the pills made him feel _so_ numb. 

So his roommate came home and found him collapsed on the floor of his room. It was definitely one of the more fucked up nights of his life. He had a full-on breakdown. 

The next day Buck bought himself a plane ticket to South America. 

He needs a reminder sometimes, which Dr. Klein is more than qualified to provide. “What happened to you wasn’t your fault.”

And after a while, Buck agrees. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t deserve it. And he sees that maybe this doesn’t have to be a thing that defines him. 

He survived a ladder truck explosion and a terrifying natural disaster. He can survive this too. 

* * *

Eddie always looks adorably embarrassed every time Buck makes fun of how long it took the emotionally stunted man to realize that he was in love with him. Which, of course, means that Buck likes to do it as often as possible. 

Buck always knew from the start. He knew then and he knows now that Eddie is everything to him. Eddie is his whole world. 

Ironically, it knocks him off his feet when Eddie comes to him one day, eyes wide with shock and he says, “Christopher just asked me if you’re his second dad. I mean, I—I shouldn’t be surprised,” he stutters, looking a little wild. “You’re so good with him, you’ve been acting like a parent to my kid for as long as I can remember, Buck…” His voice trails off. 

Buck’s expression is a mirror image of his own, pale and weakened. “Christopher said that?” 

Eddie nods. And slowly, they both breathe. And they let it sink in. And then they dare to smile. 

Buck blinks, suddenly realizing that he’s got tears in his eyes. 

Eddie’s grin grows wider and he didn’t think it was possible to be this happy. He grabs Buck by the face with both hands and smashes their lips together. He kisses him again and again, and Buck might actually be crying tears of joy now if the sounds he makes are any indication, but Eddie doesn’t stop kissing him. 

Buck kisses him back, and it’s loving and tender and perfect. 

* * *

On very, very rare occasions, Eddie’s PTSD comes out to play. He’ll thrash in bed from a nightmare and when Buck wakes him, his wrist will throb and ache.

Buck has to squint his eyes to see the scars, but knowing that they are there is enough. Eddie doesn’t provide any details and Buck doesn’t ask for them. 

But he knows that the reason Eddie keeps the Silver Star buried in a drawer is because he doesn’t feel like he did enough. So Buck tries, every single day, to show him that he _is_ enough. 

And then there are moments when Eddie will notice the way Buck stares off into space sometimes. He knows what to do, and he knows to be patient. 

Sometimes, Buck will hear his voice, blink once, and he’s back. Other times, his eyes remain hazy and dull. Then, Eddie knows to keep his voice gentle and he asks Buck to list what he can see, what he can hear, smell, taste, and touch. 

_“I can see… your shirt, the LAFD logo… a picture, of Christopher… um…” Buck looks around. This is their home, he knows this place. “I see drapes.” Ones that he picked out when he moved in, because in his own words, the ones before belonged in the garbage. “I see a lamp… books…”_

+

“Oh, what the fuck?!” Buck gasps. He’s squirming against the sheets and he thrusts his hips away from the pillow that’s propped under his ass. His hands are bound to the headboard. “Eddie, you asshole—”

“Too much?” The other man asks, innocently.

The vibrator buzzes relentlessly inside him. But Eddie doesn’t do with it what he wants, which is to _thrust._ He wants to be fucked. He wants his prostate roughly stimulated again and again, until he comes, instead of just a low, _painfully_ steady hum inside him.

Eddie wraps a hand around Buck’s cock and just grips, firm but he doesn’t move his hand. Buck’s hips jerk, wildly and helplessly. He throws his head back as he moans, aching for release. Instead of giving him what he wants, Eddie drops his gaze to the vibrator buried deep inside the other man’s body. He runs a finger over the end, feeling the buzz, instead of just hearing it. 

“Eddie, please,” Buck gasps, as Eddie rubs his thumb over the head of his leaking cock. He’s desperate and he begs, “Please—”

“Buck…” Eddie’s voice is low. “You are so beautiful. _Fuck._ Do you even know what you do to me?” His chest aches from how much he wants him. His fingers wrap around the end of the vibrator. He wants to pull it out. To bury himself inside and feel him, in a way that he hasn’t in so long. 

“Can I, Buck?” Eddie asks. “Can I fuck you?”

Buck opens his eyes. He makes a sound, he’s never wanted anything more. He nods his head, and then subsequently _jolts_ and gasps when the vibrator leaves him, feeling _so_ empty.

A moment later, Eddie presses inside. He must have used a lot of lube because he slips right in, and Buck has never felt so right. He gasps and shudders and groans as Eddie thrusts inside him. Eddie’s got a hand on his hip to angle him just right, the other is pressed to his cheek as their lips meet. 

“I love you,” Eddie murmurs against his lips. “I love you, I love you, _fuck, I love you so much,_ ” he says as they both approach the edge. And then their thoughts and their words and sounds get less coherent until the only thing they can feel is each other _._

And finally, it’s enough. They are enough. And they just breathe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, I completed my first multi-chapter fic in literally YEARS. I hope y'all liked it. Thank you to everyone who commented and stuck with me. 
> 
> I have made this into a series because I would like to add more to it. If there are any scenes you'd like to see, let me know in the comments. My Tumblr inbox is always open for prompts or if you just wanna chat :)

**Author's Note:**

> [x](http://winters-blue-children.tumblr.com)


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